Tag: 3 under 3

My Babies Daddy

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With Father’s Day coming up it has had me extra grateful for my babies daddy.

Here is the thing, we grew up with a single mom. So Father’s Day really wasn’t a special day for us as we didn’t have a Father to celebrate. It never felt like we were missing out and it wasn’t bad or sad. I think our life was pretty great and we had so many other people to celebrate. However now having kids of my own and raising them with their amazing dad we have so much to celebrate on Fathers Day!

So, what makes a Father? In my eyes it isn’t just biology. Most people can create a child but it takes someone great to stick to around and raise a child. In our case 3 kids! Fraser was born to be a dad. From the moment I met him I knew he would make a great Dad but watching him with our kids is a whole new kind of love and happiness.

Raising three little kiddos is exhausting and trying, messy and loud, hilarious and rewarding.

Fraser is our calm. He keeps everyone relaxed, laughing and happy. He never shows stress, always claims he isn’t stressed and is a true sentimental guy. He is caring and generous to a fault, and he has such a great way of looking at things. He is able to fix almost anything and he is handy. He loves to learn new things (usually that involve acquiring new tools and materials). He is a shopaholic (but would never admit it). He is our provider in more than just financial terms, he cooks, fixes, updates, does school drop offs, makes lunches and helps Grace with her ponies (in her hair and her dolls) and comes to appointments. He is a true family man, and we are so happy he is ours.

On Sunday we will celebrate Fraser and all that he brings to our family. The craziest thing is that we are so incredibly blessed with a lifestyle unique from a lot of other families. Fraser works graveyards (1am-8am) so he is home most days all day. Although I hope to make Sunday special for him, we get many days of just hanging out as a family of five. I like to think our life is pretty special, and a big part of that is due to the sacrifices Fraser makes to benefit us all.

I know it is easy to get wrapped up in day to day life and dwell on the things that someone doesn’t do (or doesn’t do well), but we are all human and if we were being truthful we all have faults. Instead of focusing on those challenging things I am going to try and remind myself everyday of all the amazing things my babies daddy not only brings to their lives but to mine. I cant ever imagine raising this tribe without him and I wouldn’t want to.

Fraser thanks for being the best Dad to our kids. XOXO.

Happy Fathers Day to all those other amazing Dads out there. One of my favourite things about becoming parents is getting to do it alongside so many of our friends and this coming year we get to watch one of Fraser’s friends become a Dad for the first time, it is going to be so great! So we will not only celebrate Fraser but all the other great Dads that’s are apart of our tribe… Hip Hip Hooray to all the great ones out there.

Remember when “I would raise my kids differently”

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Becoming a Mom is something I never knew I wanted, if you ask anyone who knows me they will say “remember when you use to say I am never having kids”. I think this has been a good lesson in never say never!

Having kids has changed my life (for the better) and looking through pictures tonight has been a reminder at how quickly it all goes. I remember finding out we were expecting our first baby and the excitement, then the nerves and emotions at being 2 weeks overdue and having to be induced. I cannot go back and these moments went so fast!

Before I had kids I had lots of ideas of what “Good” Moms do. Some of my ideas were

  1. My kids will never sleep in my bed. Co-sleeping is odd and not for us.
  2. My kids will eat at restaurants and sit without an iPad or tablet. They will eat what we are eating (no chicken and fries) and they will sit with us at home until everyone is done.
  3. My kids will always greet everyone. Saying Hello is a lifeskill and it doesn’t matter how old they are they should say Hello.
  4. Bedtime will be at a decent hour and routine (Bath, Book and Bed).
  5. No TV. Family Movie Nights are a treat otherwise no need for TV.
  6. My kids will learn to behave while shopping with me and I will go shopping with them. (Grocery’s, the mall, Home Sense, the nursery). There is no reason you shouldn’t be able to take multiple young kids out shopping with you.
  7. No sweat pants. Stretch clothes are for the gym, I will wear jeans everyday like I did pre kids and I will still buy well made and nice clothes. I will properly launder my clothes, it is easy to hang dry most of your stuff. I love beautiful fabrics and having kids shouldn’t change how I dress.

The list could go on… I mean I cannot believe how many “ideas” I had about life with kids and how my life would be so different from all the people I saw and judged with kids.

Fast forward 3.5 years and 3 little ones later and I have broken every idea I ever had about having kids.

First lesson I learnt is don’t be judgemental or rigid with your thoughts, go in knowing nothing and being open to adapting. I felt like a failure in the beginning literally breaking every thought I had ever had about how to raise a child.

Now I am open to ideas and changing what I thought I would want, I don’t feel like a failure I feel like a person willing to do what it takes to survive. Raising kids is the hardest and most game changing thing I have ever and will ever do. I now know if I can raise these three little ones then I can pretty much do anything. LOL! Okay it sounds extreme but I am pretty sure it is true.

Motherhood is crazy, if you’re a mom you know exactly what I am talking about and if you are not you may not believe it (I wouldn’t have until I experienced it). Before you have your baby life has already changed in inconceivable ways. You grow a tiny human in your body, an alien of sorts. Your skin stretches, you often emotionally are a wreck and physically your body starts to do crazy stuff! This is small potatoes to what comes after the baby arrives!

A baby arrives and I personally I felt like I was going a little loco, this baby was so dependent on me and me only. There was no one else who could feed my baby and that is pretty profound. I think dads play such an important role in children’s lives, at least my babies daddy does. However it is so different from the role of Mom. I try hard not to compare because lots of the Daddy role I wouldn’t want to do but sometimes it is hard not to feel overwhelmed. Babies want their mama’s!

My kids have softened me, taught me patience, and humility, brought me more joy and pride than I could have ever thought possible and shown me what love is as well as what is important in life. They have strengthened any important relationships, as well as helped prioritize relationships that weren’t worth time or effort. They have helped us reevaluate our priorities . They are truly the best gift Fraser and I have ever given each other and they will always be the best collaboration we have ever had. Because of my kids I am a better human being and that is pretty cool.

On Sunday we will celebrate Mother’s Day, but I say celebrate everyday! To all you amazing Mama’s out there keep on raising beautiful humans and don’t forget to give yourself a little credit for all the hard work you are doing. To my own Mom, Thank You! I get it now. XO

Where we have been the last two months.

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Lately I have been struggling with staying focused enough to sit down and write, staying awake while writing and finding a topic that I want to write about. I sit down and start to type and my mind is in a million places, I am tired and I have too much to say so I stop. However I have had one thing that has taken up a bit more of my time recently and that is Autism and learning about how it works and what our family is doing to make it a normal part of our lives.

Rowen my son was diagnosed with ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) in February and since then we have started to receive Autism Funding from the government and hired a BCBA to start an ABA program as well as an OT. Mind spinning yet? Mine sure was, all these abbreviations and how these programs work and how I use funding is all very new to me so I thought for those who are in similar situations or for those interested in what is happening in our life I would try to explain some of it and what I know and have learnt so far. I hope it is mostly correct… Lol, I am still learning and some of this is complicated to me.

GETTING A DIAGNOSIS

So first getting a diagnosis. For us this came as a surprise. Rowen seemed like a Neuro Typical (NT) child (this is one of those abbreviations that I didn’t know but I now see lots in chat groups with ASD parents).

Rowen was a little rough with his toys, had a few quirks (things like he would tense up and apply pressure to the point of sweating). But we kinda wrote it off as shy and unique, we figured he takes after his dad and possibly would find out he has ADHD. Then we started preschool and the transition didn’t go as smooth as we had hoped. By November the teachers had similiar concerns to me with some additions of things I hadn’t noticed.

So, the steps for us to getting a diagnosis looked like this:

1) Referral from family Doctor to a paediatrician.

I am not sure exactly how it all works but I believe every child is entitled to have a paediatrician but you need a referral. Both Rowen and Grace started out with a few minor complications so they had paediatricians from birth but Eleanor has never had one. What I did learn though is even though Rowen already had a Paediatrician to have a full developmental check up I needed a new referral. Each time you go into your Paediatrician you have a full 6 months before you need a new referral but for each different issue/ illness/ disorder/ etc you need a new referral. Seems like a lot of paperwork and a bit of a waste of time but it has to do with the way doctors are paid and the funding, etc.

2) Visit Paediatrician and have a list of your concerns as well as any other “professional” opinions.

In our case I had an initial visit and was kinda brushed off as my concerns seemed like typical toddler troubles. The next week when I went back in with a list of concerns from the preschool teachers it was taken very differently. I think it makes a difference to have a few opinions and observations not just the parent.

3) Have paediatrician refer you to Public or Private Assessment and do Assessment.

So here is where it gets interesting, there are two types of assessments. I believe the process is the same with both but we went the private route and never even considered the public so I am speaking from a purely private perspective.

In BC the government will cover your child to be assessed, but there is a wait list for this assessment. When we were referred they were guessing the wait list was a year but I was hearing lots of feedback that people waited the year and then waited up to 6 months more so totally 12-18 months. The issue with this is that children under 6 who get a diagnosis with this assessment receive $22,000 a year to be applied towards therapies and some equipment. So, beyond the fact that I wasn’t willing to wait to hear what an experts opinion was on my son it made no financial sense to me because once your child turns 6 the funding becomes $6000 a year and Rowen was 3 years old and I wanted to receive as much money as we could.

The other option was a private assessment. These assessments consist of a Psychologist, Paediatrician and Speech & Language Pathologist doing three different sets of evaluations. For us it included parent interviews, child observations and a few different standardized tests. At the end of it all each professional gives a written report of their findings as well as a diagnosis (or not). We were referred by our paediatrician to Monarch House in Burnaby. I didn’t do much research besides looking up Monarch House and then going in for a complimentary consultation. I think the consultation is a great starting place and was very thankful for that. I liked all the professionals we had and appreciated their opinions and had no issues with Monarch House. Since completing the assessments I have now seen how many options for private assessments there are and have seen some negative feedback about Monarch. I have also heard they are the most expensive private assessments and if money was a concern than maybe I would suggest looking around. In totally it was about $3500- 4000 for his Assessment. It consisted of one consultation appointment that Rowen and myself went to and then three days of actual testing.

We were told at the last day of assessment that Rowen would have an ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) Diagnosis and they would follow up in 1-2 weeks with all the official paperwork and next steps.

4) Apply for Funding

Next step was contacting your local Ministry of Child and Family Services Office. They will ask you to email or send in copies of your three reports from Psychologist, Speech and Paediatrician as well as a signed copy of the Autism Application. I think that was it but my social worker from the Ministry was great at listing all the things I needed to send in and your funding starts the month you apply so if you apply March 20th the funding should be good as of March 1st. Funding years are child specific and based on the date of your child’s birthday. This will all be explained to you in your meeting with your social worker. Once your funding is accepted you are mailed a copy to sign and mail back to Victoria. Then you can spend! You are responsible for tracking and decided the amounts you request to be put aside for each therapy or service provider.

5) SPEND WISELY

So after the diagnosis and funding is all in place things get hard! This was by far the most overwhelming and difficult part for us. I think the thing is it is all new to us and there are so many different programs and therapies we would like to try. There are many challenges I have faced with trying to make a decision on what is best for Rowen while still considering our whole family life. Reality and waitlists are some of these challenges.

Reality is one thing, where are they located and can I physically commit to driving and commuting to programs plus is it fair to the rest of our family (like we cannot spend all our time, energy and money on one child’s programs at the cost of our other two kids).

Waitlists are another challenge. Maybe you find some programs you want to do but can you get in? And does the times they have available work for your family.

For us we have had no prior supports from any professionals so it is all new and had no where to start for guidance or recommendations. We had heard and been told you will want a BC and you will want to do ABA, we didn’t even know what that meant.

My biggest suggestions is ask a million questions, rely on feedback and word of mouth suggestions from friends, family and other parents. But also know that no two kids or two families are the same so what works for one may be very different for another.

THINGS WE HAVE LEARNED

So what have we learned this far…

ABA is Applied Behaviour Analysis is a theory and way of teaching. It uses analysis of how people learn behaviour and applies them to teach or train behaviours we want, or even to stop behaviours we don’t want. One example is encouraging behaviours by using positive reinforcement. This is simplified and my interpretation of ABA, but there are lots of articles and information on ABA as well as different approaches.

Not every ABA program is the same. Some have more flexibility and all have different policies.

Ask questions like

  • Can you cancel the program at any time or is there a policy for notice (like you must give 30 days notice)?
  • How long have your BI’s been with the program? What kind of staff turn over do they have?
  • What happens when your child is sick, for holidays or vacation time?
  • Do they allow you to pack a snack or lunch?
  • Do they work together with other programs? ABA, OT and Speech. Can you add on extra of any of these that your child may be needing?

For us we ended up following up on a friends referral to check out Megan MacKay and I am so thankful we did. Rowen has started ABA just twice a week to start at Bounding Higher. His BI is a male which I thought was pretty cool, and seems to have already developed a really great relationship. I really love their space (its big and bright and clean), I like the way each child is one on one but they do have some interactions with the other kids. Plus they are willing to work together with the OT Program at Little Buddies, which is where he starts in May once a week for an hour before his ABA.

All of our therapies are located in Richmond at the Pacific Autism Family Centre (above pictures are from the Center in Bounding Higher) and it is amazing. They have quiet spaces I can sit and read or whatever while Row is in therapy, they have a big lending library and lots of games, etc as well as a nice little gift shop so you can support the building and all the amazing programs it is home to. If you have not checked it out you most defiantly should.

I never thought I would have to be so budgeted but we definitely know we will surpass that $22,000/ year amount of funding and be out of pocket for some expenses so we want to make sure we are being wise in the therapies and treatments we pick and the people. For this reason I have included the hourly rates that our professionals charge (on average or recommended rates) just to give you an idea of what we are looking at. It was surprising to me at what these programs add up to be (a couple of thousand dollars a month!). So as great as the funding is, for lots of families this is a very difficult and sensitive topic. Talk about one of your most important investements. Any decision around big spending is always difficult but when it comes to spending on your kids its probably the most important thing any of us will ever have to do.

WHO works with Rowen and what do they do?

So first I should start off saying that we use our Autism Funding to pay for these people listed below. However for children under 6 you must employ people and businesses that are found on the RASP (Registry for Autism Service Providers List). The list is really a great place to start your search when looking for any of these professionals. Here is my interpretation and description of what each professional does. I have gone and had consultations with more than just the people we hired, keep in mind these people spend a lot of time with your child (and you will also develop relationships with them). So as easy as it is to think I will just hire whoever is available or maybe closest proximity to me I do encourage you to do a bit of research.

BCBA Board Certified Behaviour Analysts

$130/ hour

This person is the one who oversees our BI and manages our ABA Program. They may not directly work a lot each week with Row but they are observing and definitely the person our BI would refer to and have to report to.

We have chosen Megan MacKay at Bounding Higher as our BCBA (and she is also an SLP). I was told that BCBA’s can be hard to find or that they have long waitlists so I do feel extremely fortunate that we found her. I like her philosophy and holistic approach to ABA as well as her straight forward communication with us.

This is also one of our highest paid people on Rowens team, so this is a person you want to be prepared to ask questions at meetings and utilize their time wisely because their time adds up fast.

BI Behaviour Interventionist

$25/ hour

This person is the person working directly with your child and implementing the plan you BCBA has laid out. I definitely think they are an amazing resource to teach or train you as a parent on techniques they might be using and having success with. Make sure to ask questions and develop a relationship with your BI! Our BI was picked and provided for us by Megan and Bounding Higher.

OT Occupational Therapist

$120-160/ hour

Occupation therapists help to develop life skills (such as feeding, hygiene and dressing) and in our case we are seeing an OT for help with sensory related things like self regulation and organizing behaviour.

Sensory is an interesting and difficult area for me to understand. Our family has asked lots about it and I don’t feel I have a great understanding of it yet to be able to explain to others. I do think my son is searching and seeking sensory input… he likes things like spinning and swings, loves jumping, deep pressure and doesn’t like things like lights on, clothes specifically tags, shoes and socks or busy crowded places. We are starting to learn things that help relax him and organize him so he can be calm and have better attention.

Defiantly very interesting and if you want more info please look online there are many great resources and if you know Rowen you will read a lot of these things and think “WOW!” because some of the articles sound like they are actually describing Rowen.

I would say this far OT is Rowens favourite favourite favourite activity and therapy. It has been all about play and observing and learning what he likes and doesn’t like and he loves it. We have been waiting to get into Megan Eastwood in Ladner as she came extremely highly recommended, she is close by and I happen to know and love her family already, plus one of my besties (who is an OT) just started to work with her. So it seemed like a natural fit but so far we have only been able to get in on a two day two appointment over spring break, so nothing consistent is open yet to become a regular client. With that in mind we are starting with Keith at Little Buddies in May. I just met him this week and am very excited for Rowen to start because Keith has also come highly recommended and I have a feeling Rowen is going to thrive here.

I wish we had unlimited resources because I would be putting in a sensory room in our house and would be hiring these amazing individuals for a couple sessions a week. I love both Megan and Keith and would want to do as much OT as possible. This is when the hard part about where to spend your dollars comes in. I don’t have pictures of the OT’s we see sensory rooms but this gives you an idea of what they look like and why Rowen loves them.

SLP Speech and Language Pathologist

$130/ hour

SLP’s specialize in working with language development but may not have much experience directly related to Autism and language development. If you have chosen one off the RASP list then they must have at least a year of experience with Autism.

I hope this has helped you to see a little glimpse into our life and what we have been busy setting up and learning about as well as gives you some tips if you are starting your own journey with a child on the spectrum. I am happy to answer any questions or chat if you need to, please just message:)

The support I didn’t mention was the numerous friends and family members who have been amazing supports with babysitting our other kids while we have had many appointments, sending interesting articles or even just taking an interest in what is going on. We have been extremely blessed with our friends and family! Read More

Everyday is Family Day!

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For those who don’t live in BC yesterday was Family Day… and since we are nearing the end to almost 5 weeks in Maui we missed it but celebrated it here on the island with our little Fam Jam! So, I am a day late writing because we were busy playing and having fun as a family.

Families are funny… the traditional definition of a family is pertaining to a blood relative or biological relation, descendants. Now I would say this is not always or even often the case. So many people are adopted, estranged, divorced, part of a mixed family (with step and half siblings and parents). I mean the dynamics can range. I am no stranger to this type of family as we were raised by a single mom, I have zero relationship with my dad and our family has a non-traditional dynamic. For example my moms best friend and sister by choice is my dads biological sister and you could technically say I have 3 siblings and 5 step siblings (my moms boyfriend has 5 kids), but I would tell you I have 3 sisters not 8 siblings:)

Since having my own kids and starting my own family I have come to have a different appreciation for how important family is, what our family values are and how we will hopefully instil them in our kids and also who we choose to play important roles in our kids lives.

We really want to raise our kids with Honesty, Respect and Fun being our biggest family values. I also hope that they grow up close and stay good friends. If Rowen, Grace & Eleanor can always be each other’s biggest supporters, and try not to judge but just have each other’s back then we will have done our most important job and have succeeded as the type of parents we want to be. Obviously we have no control and siblings grow up with all sorts of different relationships, I feel very grateful for the two sisters I have to play such important roles in all of our lives and for me to have such good relationships with them. That doesn’t mean it isn’t hard work and takes effort on both sides. Plus the three of us couldn’t be more different but I think we share a few core values that help us to connect even when we don’t see eye to eye.

Our kids are so blessed, just like both Fraser and I were, with living Great Grandparents (they have 6) and a young large local family. That doesn’t mean we have a perfect set up or are without family drama. Raising kids is one of the craziest, humbling, eye opening and life changing things I have ever done. It changed our world for the better and really gave us perspective over what mattered and what is important in our lives. That being said it came with it’s own set of challenges and has been a big learning curve with lots of difficult choices and decisions.

My children are lucky to have two parents who love and respect each other and we hope to raise them with a traditional family dynamic. However it’s not all traditional as they have over 10 pseudo Aunties , girlfriends who play such important roles in my life and now my children’s lives it would be insulting to think of them as anything less than family. This is just one example. We have so many friends that have been there for us when we needed them most and who show up in good or bad times. These friends are the family we want to have in our lives for as long as possible and are the reason we feel so grateful.

So yesterday when we played and enjoyed our three healthy and happy kids, we also were celebrating my being a part of a huge extended family that I couldn’t be more proud or privileged to call Family. Although we have had such an amazing vacation and could happily stay for a lot longer, the one thing that has been missing is our extended family… we were very lucky to have a couple friends, some great grandparents and aunts and uncles, NAN and Auntie Monica (GAG) all come and visit us on Maui we are excited to come home and see those who weren’t here in paradise. I know the kids ask everyday for Sadie & Addie (their cousins), and that is just one sign that we are raising the kids with good family values.

HAPPY FAMILY DAY (even if I am a day late) because for me it isn’t just one day a year that I celebrate my family but hopefully everyday:)

HELP… This Parenting Gig is Tough!

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So this vacation has been amazingly good for our parenting egos, basically whenever we go out as the whole family we get at least one if not many compliments. Some are just about appearances “Oh look, they are so cute”, some are more surface/conversational “you’ve got your hands full”, but the best are “wow your kids are so well behaved”, “you guys make it look easy, we are struggling with one”, and many more.

It’s interesting because when I look around there are lots of families walking with babies or just one kid and it does look easy. The parent to child ratio is great 2:1 but then I look at our circus and the kids are becoming such great friends, they are learning how to play with each other and more than that they are learning life skills like sharing, compromise and empathy. When I see Grace stop to help Rowen or Row check on Eleanor to give her a bottle and a blanket, there is nothing else like it. It reminds me when the challenging times come that we made the choice to have 3 kids and that despite the challenges there are way more good times than difficult. Plus not all moments are challenging some days we attempt something and the kids are all in the right mood and somehow we have this incredible day that even I want to give ourselves a little pat on the back.

That being said we are really struggling with discipline and follow through, I am looking for any ideas that have worked with your family. I think the hardest thing right now is finding age appropriate discipline, basically we have Rowen (3), Grace (2) and Eleanor (10 months). Oh and the struggle with being outnumbered by our kids. We don’t have enough hands to catch all of our rascals when they start running away! Or have your tried going to the pool with 3 kids 3 and under (it’s terrifying).

We are working hard on being proactive. So for example in anticipation of being near a pool and ocean for a good chunk of time we invested in quality swimming lessons and both kids wear their swim belts while swimming (supervised). We also don’t go certain places or plan around when we will have less kids or even bribe them with food. Like we had to go to Costco to do a big shop but we bought them fries and they ate in the shopping cart while we did all our groceries. May be this is bribery and not teaching them how to behave in a grocery store or maybe its genius. I do not know, but what I do know is it is what works and what has been helping us get by:)

However there are some areas we are struggling.

The one challenge I faced today is Grace learning how to share or learning patience to wait. Eleanor was napping so I took Grace and Rowen with their new balls across the street to the park. Kids have given up naps although we are finding they need them while vacationing (who doesn’t!). They love the swings and both still want to be in a baby swing. Well this particular park only has two baby swings and I let another family use one so my two kids had to share. Rowen was fantastic and patiently waited his turn but Princess Grace lost it when her turn was up. She arched her back, screamed like she was being attacked and let the waterworks fly. At which point I made the decision to follow through with my promise and bring both kids home, no more park or swinging. The same situation had happened last night when all the swings were taken and Grace could not grasp why “her” swings weren’t available.

How do you reason or explain to a two year old about sharing and waiting. My latest attempt is they are told the rules before, ie if you cannot share when we get to the swings and do not listen we will go home. Then usually what ends up happening is we have to pack up and go home. I am hoping after a few consistent times it will help break this behaviour but so far I don’t know if the kids even notice what is happening.

With Rowen it is whole other issue we are dealing with, LISTENING. His example was at the pool yesterday when he was told to stop throwing his toy out of the pool and he didn’t listen. He was given multiple opportunities to stop and many chances to stay but he continued so we just scooped him out and left the pool. This happens all day long in terms of taking toys from people, not keeping our hands to our selves, and just general annoying bickering between siblings.

The things I have learnt that do work include adjusting my expectations and setting us up for success.

Example is if I know they are tired I don’t expect the same out of them. We try to go for a nap or plan activities I know won’t cause arguments. Another example is if I want to go somewhere with them I try to plan it at a good time. Taking them in the morning while they are typically a little happier and more agreeable.

Expectations include things like ordering take out and hitting up the park instead of trying to go to a restaurant and then taking away a park play because they behaved badly.

Sometimes these things are hard to do because they aren’t what I want to do or they are inconvenient. But I know in the long run it will be more than worth it. I do know one thing though. We were in Maui last year at the same time with just Rowen and Grace who were just 2 and 1 at the time. This year we have been able to relax a little more and enjoy the beach and the pool more with them as well as some new activities and even eat out a bit. So, with this in mind I realize as the kids get older some things will hopefully become easier.

Have you had similar struggles with 2 and 3 year olds? Do any of my struggles sound familiar? Did you find anything that worked with your family? Would love to hear from you:)

“You must learn to master a new way to think before you can master a new way to be. “ – Marianne Williamson

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This quote is kinda exactly how I feel today. It’s funny because I was always searching for a way to relax a little, let go of stuff that isn’t really important, appreciate what I have instead of striving for more or better and to try and live more in the now instead of dwelling on the past and stressing about the future. Insert having kids, did I mention 3 kids in 3 years… and this is truly what has happened.

Kids change everything, at least they did for me, even the way I think. Instead of having time to overthink and worry and pick apart everything I am learning to master a new way of thinking which includes:

– Breathing. When I am feeling tense or stressed take a few deep breathes

– Living in the chaos. It’s okay if the floor is dirty, laundry doesn’t get done today, my mouldings aren’t wiped down, etc… Embrace it, life with small kids is chaotic so if they ended up “helping” with cleaning the floors and now they look even worse, it’s okay! This has been a hard change for me, but we are working on finding compromise in this area. Over Christmas we had a cleaner come in twice, knowing I would be distracted by mess but Christmas is busy and we were hosting a few events. It is harder to let go of organization when we are entertaining so it was a good plan. This simple thing helped me to be able to enjoy the moments and just sit back and entertain instead of worry about the mess! Sometimes living in the chaos also means accepting when I need help and hiring or asking for it. Easier said then done but I am trying.

– Humble & Grateful. I am really trying to remember that we are fortunate and to be aware and conscious of that. I do believe we work hard and make choices but I also know to be grateful that we live in the country we live in, have the family and friends we have, the list is really endless and I just want to always remember to be grateful for all that we have that has helped us to be able to live the life and lifestyle we do, not just our hard work and choices (although they do play a role in it).

– Live in the moment. This is a huge one for me. I am not sure if it has been aging and seeing friends or peers suffer (either loosing parents, becoming ill, or even loosing peers and friends), some are even strangers that you hear about in the news but that resemble us a little to closely and leave me feeling that could have been us. Or if it has been having kids and realizing you want to be there for them forever (or at least a really long time). But I am really trying to live in the moment with and for my kids. I want them to have amazing memories of us and all the things we did together or the way we listened and were there for them. I would hate to look back 20 years from now and regret not living in those moments. So, it is maybe one of my hardest changes of thinking but I am making an effort to do it! It is also amazing to me how much our kids admire and love us right now, I don’t want to miss this time where Fraser and I are their everything’s because one day, probably sooner than I can imagine, that will change.

It’s so funny because every since I changed my way of looking and thinking about things I am different. My whole body is different. I am physically less tense, my body feels better, my mind is less stressed, I don’t have headaches, it is amazing the things that can change. I feel like I am open and people can feel it. I am attracting just a bunch of good things! Friends, money, even with my kids and in all my relationships. It is amazing how powerful the mind is, and to think it was there all along.

For me a lot of my new way of thinking is around asking myself “Why Not?”, or “What’s the worst that could happen?”

I have always been a bit of a dreamer and have a tendency to set unrealistic expectations. Here is the thing I am learning, still dream but come up with ways to make them my reality. SO “why not” or “what’s the worst that could happen” help determine if I should try something.

Take for example last year when Fraser and I did a renovation and a 10 day holiday to Hawaii with two kids under 2 and while I was pregnant with our third (some might call this crazy). We sat on the beach last year and talked about what it would be like to just come and stay in Hawaii for a month, fast forward a year and we made it happen. It wasn’t luck or even digging ourselves into a ton of debt with no thought to the future. It was making choices through out the year that lead us to being able to make this work, as well as a little prioritizing what mattered to us. We missed a good childhood friend of mines wedding in Mexico in November because we couldn’t do both, and that’s just one example of the compromises we made. Obviously for us the overall goal was to have quality time as a family and also some R&R.

R&R Rest & Relaxation… this is funny, so we are on vacation with a 3 year old boy who has lots of energy and is in the early stages of getting an Autism diagnosis (meaning we are learning how to help him with certain issues we have been having), a 2 year old daughter who has an attitude of a 16 year old and a temper like no other and of course our 10 month old teething babe who is crawling but not walking yet:) Some might wonder how we would possibly think this could be restful or relaxing. And old me would have agreed, all children are still in diapers and when we left home no child was sleeping through the night. But with a little shift of our thinking you can change your whole outlook on something. Instead of wishing we were going without our kids, or that our kids were older (out of diapers, sleeping through the night) I have been focusing on the positives or looking for wins as they happen, and boy have they been happening.

First, I was a little concerned about the airport (we were bringing a lot of child related equipment and I never know how my kids will behave). I am happy to say we handled the luggage and equipment so easily and that the kids were amazing. So much so that we had compliments from other passengers! I call this a parenting win and a great way to start off. It also helps to adjust your way of thinking because any doubts you had are pushed aside.

Now we are just enjoying having no schedule, making sure kids are happy and fed, well rested, etc. This is relaxing because at home we sometimes skipped meals, or were too busy rushing to get to something that we missed a nap or couldn’t sleep in after a bad night because we had to be somewhere. Commitments and schedules can be stressful and have an impact on me for sure which in turn impacts our whole families attitudes and outlook. I’m really going to work on slowing down at home and trying to bring this more relaxed way of dealing with our kids home with me. It is obviously different in a home environment but I think we can take some of it with us when we go home!

I guess what I have learnt is rest and relaxation doesn’t have to look like massages and days at the spa, relaxing and reading on the beach and sunsets from the lanai with wine in hand. Instead it can be a quick pedicure while the kids are taking a break with dad from the sun, an hour escape down to the beach with my book or even just sitting with Eleanor watching the other two play in the sand, and nothing beats a sunset view with all kids happily playing (plus you can still have wine!). Things evolve and what I am finding out is they are for the better. My biggest fear is to stay the same, so why not embrace change in every aspect and see what comes with it. For now I am going to enjoy the stage of life we are at… busy, chaotic, messy and all!

MIA- Don’t come looking, I want to stay missing forever!

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So, for those who don’t know we decided to finish off our very last baby’s first year earth side with a 30 day vacation to Maui.  The cool thing is my roommate*/ babydate/ common law partner was eligible to take Parental Leave so we decided why not!  Plus 2017 he worked so hard at his paying job and had a record year so we felt a little vacation was exactly what our family could use!

*** Total side note but Fraser and I are yet to be married (he’s been a little lacking in the proposal department) so when we went through the border a long time ago (maybe 4 years ago) and the border guard asked how we knew each other I answered with the first thing that came to my mind, “He’s my roommate”.  At the time we were expecting our first baby and I have never lived down the response, however I also think put a ring on it if you want a different answer!  Anyone else common law and struggle with calling their partner “partner” or “boyfriend”?  Just boyfriend sounds so casual and we are commited, have 3 kids, share finances, responsabilities, life, etc… we are not just casual but I digress!

Obviously taking 3 kids 3 and under on vacation isn’t the relaxing and peaceful break some people enjoy when they are on vacation. I got to say though it ain’t so bad.  We love being someplace warm, our kiddos are water and beach babies (we didn’t even go to the pool until our third day here, LOL!). Plus a break from routine, real life and responsabilities even with kids is still a break.

However for those who don’t have kids you really should enjoy your trips now because once you have kids the trips are completely different  Even just going to the airport is different.  No more lounge and drinks before a flight, you can forget about stopping at the spa for a pedi before take off, reading magazines, watching movies and listening to music for the flight doesn’t happen anymore at least not anything you want to watch… Paw Patrol, Moana and Mickey Mouse Club House aren’t my idea of entertainment, but somehow I got 6 hours of all that:)

I really thought when I envisioned our vacation that I would do so much blogging and totally re-evaluate what I want to do when I get home, what changes we should make this year and what can stay the same… all the new year new attitude kind of stuff that I love. But I think I am a little in need of some time to just enjoy not having to decide or purge or set goals!  That being said one thing that brings me joy is blogging but it isn’t necessarily just the writing. If that was the case I could just journal, its also the interaction I get from all the readers (who happen to be friends, family, fellow mothers and even some fathers, and community members). I love seeing and hearing from people, some who surprise me when they start chatting about my blog.  By far blogging has been such a rewarding thing for me but also has been a great confidence booster and has forced me to put myself out there. I love all that it has done for me.

With that being said I am struggling with a direction to take the blog, I currently do use it a bit as my personal journal and a bit for “business”, oil’s & events mostly. I love doing this but have been struggling with writing because I don’t feel I have a huge vision. So, I am asking my loyal readers for their advice and opinions.

What do you want to hear about?  Obviously my writing is about my own opinions and views so that is most likely going to change it is more the topics I wonder about

So some areas I am wondering what you think are:

  •  Kids- Raising them.  Do you like when I share what we are doing, like blog about my 3 kids and what we do, or do you like product reviews/recommendations. Or maybe you prefer not to hear about my family and kids. We are also in the process of having my son assessed for autism and starting to research schools (mostly private) for Kindergarten, is this something you would be interested in hearing about?
  • Home- pictures and stuff about my house and what we did and are doing?
  • Oils- How to use oils, diffuser recipes, promos, etc
  • Life- do you like it when I am personal or am I over sharing? I feel like often I find inspiration on what I want to write about by what is happening in my life.

Please leave a comment or send me a message if you have any advice on what you like reading about. I might try and do an instagram story but who knows how that will fit in between the beach and the pool I am pretty busy:)

Another way of getting ideas or inspirations is if you send a title of an article you would read! My girlfriend did this and they had such great suggestions, some of which were my most popular posts.

MAHALO

Resolutions or Reflections???

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New Years are like Birthdays to me. A perfect time reflect on how the last year has been and what I want from the upcoming year.

I typically love reflecting, and maybe it has to with the fact that as I get older I feel like each year gets better and better. I am more comfortable and confident and my relationships deepen and my life seems to get more meaningful as I gain wisdom and experience.

Obviously there is the sad stuff and the odd year that is tougher than most, as people get older there are losses or sometimes with those way to young to be gone. There are moments that forever change you or experiences that change your perspective and make you re-evaluate what’s important.

So, 2017 was a big year for us as a family and for me personally. We finished our first Reno and moved into a new space to start off the year, we took our first family vacation to Maui and loved spending time with our kids just chillin’ at the beach and enjoying paradise. Fraser had a record year for work and I managed to start my blog (work in progress for sure but pretty excited to get it up and going). In addition I co-hosted our first annual Christmas Market at the Farm, as well as my first annual Girlfriends long table dinner and I started selling doTerra Oils which has been a huge learning experience and has challenged me to get back into selling but also to start to venture out and meet new people. It has been the year we completed our little family and welcomed our last baby, Eleanor, into our family. We celebrated two weddings, one family members and one close friends. Our oldest son started preschool and we have started the process of having him privately assessed for Autism (in addition to ADHD, Anxiety and ODD). It was the year we survived having 3 kids under the age of 3 and I like to think we did better than survive it. We also developed some new healthy habits this year which included a new eating plan and started to do a lot more intentional exercise (thank you to The Studio). 2017 didn’t come without it’s challenges and disappointments as well as sadness but we feel extremely blessed and definitely think our good outweighed our bad this year!

With all that being said I am super excited to welcome 2018 and see what it has in store for our little family! We are starting it off with Fraser taking 7 weeks paternity leave, 4 of which we are spending in Maui! During those 4 weeks we will be overlapping vacations with my Grandma, Great Aunt & Uncle, my Aunt & Uncle (as well as 4 other couples that are family friends), one of our best friends and her husband and kids as well as their whole extended family and my mom and two of her really good friends… just to name a few. I would say this is a GREAT start to 2018. We are definitely not worried about the January blues or after Christmas dumps, but in fact I am worried we are starting off the year so well how will we be able to continue the momentum. That being said I have a few goals for this year…

I’m not super big on Resolutions, mainly because I feel like I make unreasonable ones and they are super generic and no one follows through. So, instead I have made some goals for me personally as well as a few family or house goals. We make goals all the time but I find a new year is the perfect excuse and time to just re-evaluate and write down what you want.

So here goes some of my goals for 2018, I am hoping by sharing them I hold myself a little more accountable.

– Set aside time just for family. No TV, phone, etc

– Sleep with my phone in a different room.

– Take bold risks, do stuff even if it scares me and put myself out there. (Specifically with my blog, oils, etc)

– Make me a priority. Set aside time for things I do solo (without Fraser and the kids).

– Work on getting Rowens assessment finished and put together a support system to get him prepared for grade school.

– Get a budget in place and decide what our financial goals are for 2018 (are we saving, doing any home improvements, trip planning, plan any big purchases, etc).

– Find an exercise regime that is realistic and that I can commit to.

– Clean eating at home, cook most meals (meal plan) and avoid refined sugars.

– Drink more water.

I feel like I have a million things on the go, and that my list is a bit ambitious. However I also feel that it is doable and all areas that I want to work on. I am excited for a lot of these goals and have already started to get working on my list. Let’s hope the motivation continues beyond January and I can keep the momentum going.

What resolutions or goals do you have for the New Year?

Siblings by chance, friends by choice…

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Today was one of those unusual days. Grace was extra loving towards both her older brother and younger sister and the kids were just extra cute towards each other. We intentionally had our kids within 3 years of each other (Rowen and Grace being just 13 months apart and Grace and Eleanor a big 15 months apart). This was important to me because I felt the closer the age often the more in common you have with your siblings and the easier it is to have a closer relationship. Obviously everyone has different experiences and beliefs but I just wanted to give the kids any and every chance at having a close sibling relationship.

I have a son so my girls have an older brother which is a new dynamic for me and I love it but there is nothing like having daughters and girls having sisters. I am not saying it is better or my favourite it is just different. Sisters are built in protectors, can give advice, help widen your circle of friends. That being said I am a believer that not all sisters all blood related. My mom lost her sister to Cancer but still has an ex-sister in law that most people just assume is her biological sister. I love this, it means my mom has a bond with her “sister” (different from her relationship with her brother). Not better just different. I like to hope that all women have another women that they would consider like a sister, we can all use that!

You might not know this about me but I am the oldest of three girls. We are the Plain sisters (but I like to think we are far from Plain).

So, growing up with three sisters, fairly close in age, some could say was interesting. We are three very different personalities and three very different strengths and challenges. Now at 33, 31 and 30 years old, two of us have daughters of our own and the third sister is getting married this summer, but at the end of the day we are always there for each other.

I am the oldest, the protector, the defender, definitely the one who holds a grudge for any of the three of us.

Then there is the middle sister, the glue, the rational one, the tie breaker, the mediator, the favourite (Lol!).

Of course the baby, the comedian, the outgoing/ life of the party, career driven, oh and the favourite auntie.

We were not always this close and still are very different but at the end of the day we share secrets, we share a lot of the same values and we share a childhood of memories and experiences and we share friends.

That being said, I know we are not the “normal” when it comes to siblings. We live within a couple of blocks of each other, we talk weekly and often see each other just as much and we for the most part get along and generally like each other.

I often wonder how or why we turned out this way but never come up with an answer. I just hope that my kids find the same relationships with each other that I have come to find in my siblings. We have many friends and even Fraser who have estranged relationships with their siblings. Many often comment on how lucky I am to be so close to my sisters. We all three work hard to have the relationships we do and I wouldn’t say it comes naturally but instead is a choice we make to be close and to raise our families together.

Growing up our aunts and uncles and cousins played a big role in our lives and I am so happy my kids will be blessed with he same experiences I had with family.

That being said aunts/uncles and cousins are not necessarily blood related and in our case our kids have many pseudo aunts and uncles that play just as important of roles as their blood related aunts and uncles. I love this. I remember once running away from home (because everyone did that when they were a teen) and not being a block from home and being spotted by my uncle. That’s the thing about big families, you are always spotted! Not easy to blend into the background. It also means whenever you are in trouble or need help there is always someone around. This is a reason I love that my kids have so many aunts and uncles. Because I know if they need someone between all these people there is bound to be one that they are comfortable to go to.

Today I became an Auntie again and to a beautiful niece, one of my best friends had her first daughter and I just couldn’t stop tearing up and then I thought about it and I thought about daughters and how they change you and the relationship you have with your mother. I am so excited that she gets to experience this kind of relationship different from that of a son. Ill never forget when I had my first daughter and my aunt (a mother of 4, 3 sons and 1 daughter) said she was so happy that I had a daughter and that she loves her sons but there is something about having a daughter. I get it now!

My mother and I are very different but at the end of the day when I need someone she is there and she knows me better than sometimes I know myself. She had always been great at taking us all three out for special dates (movies, dinners, shopping and of course spa). I am constantly asking Fraser what moms do with sons because it is so different and I never see him going out on mother/son dates like I do with my mom. Daughters are different. That being said I put in extra effort to make sure I work hard at having an equally close and good relationship with my son.

Do you have different relationships with your sons than your daughters? Do your kids get along or is a constant struggle (we play referee a lot!)? Would love to hear about your family dynamics and things you do to foster a good relationship between you and your kids but also between siblings.

Real Housewife of A Long Shore Man

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I ran in to my mentor, coach and last employer a couple weeks ago. Both of our lives have changed pretty significantly in the last 3 years and we had lots to catch up on. As we were standing there chatting she gave me a huge compliment. She commented that I looked great (always nice to hear but that wasn’t the compliment) and that I didn’t have that over tired/stressed out mom look most moms with babies and young kids have. She then proceeded to say ” You did that, you have made choices to make sure that you are not too stressed or over tired. It is not luck but your choices.”

It totally stuck with me as I sometimes feel mom guilt or compare myself to others without meaning to and then feel bad that I am not your typical mom! However I feel like people see me or us out as a family and say how “Lucky” we are for many different reasons. I don’t think its luck, I think its hard work, compromise and prioritizing. Most times people mean well by the comment but it doesn’t seem quite right as we work hard to have the lifestyle and life that we have.

These pictures below are such an example. I love them but they were done on a super cold day at 6pm, because I had a conference all day and that was the time we could make work. Fraser had worked a graveyard shift only to come home to watch the kids (I had already left for the day so he took over from my sister). When I got home we frantically tried to dress our kids (hence why Rowen isn’t wearing a jacket, he actually wanted no pants or socks. We compromised). And sweet Grace had just gotten up from a nap. The pictures most definitely don’t tell the whole story, but they captured each of us perfectly IMO and I love them. That being said I wish other people knew when they looked at them these pictures were 15 minutes of a crazy day and don’t depict our full story.

Here’s the thing, we intentionally had three kids under the age of three and we knew it was a bit crazy and going to change lots. However, we both knew we still wanted to be individuals, to have time together and with friends to socialize as adults (we started as just the two of us, and we will end up just the two of us again so we want to keep the love alive, and we actually enjoy each other’s company and like spending time together).

I like working, or I at least like being a part of a team of people working towards something (not necessarily work in the traditional sense). However we both decided with the age of our kids and the hours we would both end up working it didn’t make financial or emotional sense for me to go back to my old job. That being said it wasn’t that I could never go back to work just need to get the kids into school. Just another trade off, I love my life and we both made the choice to stay home but I do not have my own income and people don’t look at a mom and see how hard she works, instead they see a lucky kept lady getting to stay home, sleep in, cuddle a baby and shop without paying for it. Trade offs. I do get to do all those things but I also rarely have breakfast (or at least fresh/hot breakfast), often don’t shower until 3 (and over half the time its with a child), have been puked on more times than I care to count, don’t remember the last time I slept without at least one child in my bed or the last time I peed alone and have you ever tried to shop with three kids under three (best budgeting tool ever)?

Here is us on Market Day, we had a babysitter but figured to make it easier on her and better for Eleanor we would bring her for at least part of the day, this was just what was best for the greater good! I loved planning and preparing for the market, Fraser loved getting to create a bit in his workshop and loved seeing me happy and my kids love being at the farm and “helping” on the days before and after the market. It is not easy, but it is rewarding and fun and was such a great day!

I miss the responsibility and independence and accomplishments that come with having a job outside of the home. Obviously this is always an area that will have pros and cons and I love the decision we made for our family but I definitely think it is a hard decision for every family and again it comes at a cost. I do look at a lot of my working friends in envy and with so much pride for what they are doing. The really cool thing for me is I think as a collective group of friends we are able to get the best of all worlds. I am around if anyone needs any help, etc and my friends are around for me to get to jump in on occasion (like at the farm, getting to work and do the market).

I have managed to find things that I can do part time or on contract and still get the feeling of some independence from the family but not have it negatively impact them. Instead all these things I do make me a better me and a better mom! This idea of self care isn’t new to me, it’s something I have always struggled with (I am an all or nothing type of girl but I am totally working on balance). I decided to start this blog, sell doTerra Oils, help train and teach the girls at The Urban Rack (my last job) and even take on some projects/ events like the Christmas Market at the Farm and my girlfriends long table dinner. These things are not making me rich, to be completely honest most of these things end up costing more than they ever make. But money isn’t the only measurement of success and what these things bring to our family in terms of socialization, feeling of community and happiness and fulfilment out weigh any paycheque they are missing.

Fraser is a longshoremen and he works nightshifts by choice (specifically graveyards). This is one of those choices that we make to provide us with our “lucky” life. The trade off for him working at night is a better paycheque (amazing shift differential), more family time, flexibility in taking time off (when you make more at work you can work less!). With these benefits come costs and the cost to us is nighttime’s alone for mom with 3 very young and not great sleepers, sleep deprivation for both of us (especially for Fraser who doesn’t get many hours a day of sleep), early nights (no more wild nights out TIL 2 am, home before the clock strikes 12… especially when you work at 1am). We feel the benefits out weigh the costs and we try to balance it all, so when we find it taking its toll on us Fraser might take some time off, or we just have some lazy home PJ days.

We were able to do a renovation last year and this year we are able to take a month off to go to Maui, some might consider us “lucky” for having such an extended vacation but I look at it as well deserved time to rest. Fraser has many weeks were he works 7 days a week, and on top of his paying night job he is a full time dad, and a part time handy man for our household as well as for all my wild ideas (like setting up a table at our first Christmas Market). There is also all the things you don’t see, like our less than extravagant vehicles that are far from our dream ride (but we have no car payments!), or the fact that I haven’t bought new bras in I’m embarrassed to admit how long or that Fraser’s gum boots have holes in them! I mean we aren’t poor and hard done by but we also make choices and go without a lot of things.

Its funny though both Fraser and I struggle with taking time for ourselves. It’s hard to leave the other parent with three kiddos and not feel a bit of guilt for it. We are good at getting a babysitter. I never feel guilty paying someone to come and be with the kids but leaving the other parent (who willingly signed up for this parenting gig), and doesn’t get paid, is much harder to do. Just because it is hard to do though, doesn’t mean we both shouldn’t still try. Fraser has a much harder time than I do with just popping out and doing something with the guys or just for himself. This will definitely be something we will continue to work on as we both think its important and something I believe will come easier as the kids get a bit older. It does mean our weekends or even days on a motorcycle are few and far between, or drinks with friends or days spent doing nothing by ours selves are not really a reality right now. But the odd time we do get to do some of these the more we appreciate and enjoy it.

I think the reminder in all of this and the lesson is that we make our own luck. Life is life and making it great is up to us. We really do have the power to make life what we want. We wanted chaotic and crazy and knew what we were getting into. The good so outweighs the hard (because it is never bad, its hard). In my opinion anything worthwhile is hard, so stick it out and the benefits are usually way bigger than you can ever imagine. Check in with yourself often and evaluate.

When we are overwhelmed we look at how we can simplify and what is important. We hire our amazing babysitter and take time out just the two of us. Or we try to see when we need a break and encourage each other, sometimes its me needing a nap after a rough night with the kids or Fraser needing to go out to his shop and do whatever it is he does out there:)

I have a large family who has been there when we need them and are always offering help but we certainly don’t have financial or childcare support that we know a lot of young families have. What we do have is creative help, my sister is always offering to take some of the kids or we trade off preschool pick ups which is huge. My mom is always dropping off meals, coming by to hold Eleanor just so I can get a bit done or even taking our laundry and returning it the next day cleaned and folded. These things are HUGE and I am learning to accept the help that is offered. We also recently hired a house cleaner, and I am learning that is a huge help! It took a bit of work (cleaning the house for the cleaners) and then being out of the house for them was a chore with three kids. However coming home to a clean house is always a good feeling for everyone.

I think another thing I am learning since having kids and more life experience is everyone’s life looks great but we see is just the good stuff not the compromises or things they have given up to get the good! It’s easy to envy or to think grass is greener but instead of doing that make a life you love and you will have no reason to feel that way.

What choices have your family made that were difficult? Do you consider yourself “lucky”? Would love to hear from you…