Tag: Family

living with Autism (ASD)

.Reading time 23 minutes.

What is ASD

(Autism Spectrum Disorder?

ASD is a neurological disorder that affects how the brain functions.
The exact cause of ASD is not known.

The way ASD affects an individual can vary a lot from person to person.
It depends on how many symptoms a person experiences
and how severe each symptom is.

A person with ASD may find it hard to connect with other people.
They may:
· have difficulty communicating
· have difficulty with social situations
· repeat certain patterns of behaviour
· show interest in a limited number of activities and interests

These behaviours can happen at school, home or work.  Having ASD can greatly affect everyday activities.

Because no one person with ASD is the same, treatments and therapies are based on each person’s needs.

Definition above taking directly from: https://www.canada.ca/en/public-health/services/diseases/autism-spectrum-disorder-asd/about-autism-spectrum-disorder-asd.html

This boy loves all the soft fuzzy feeling fabric. He has his own style and loves to show it off.

I decided to start this blog post with a definition because the reality is the Autism we live with in our home most likely doesn’t look like any other person you know with ASD. ASD covers a broad spectrum of people and abilities. Just like “typical” people, people living with Autism are all unique. The definition above, although broad, gives us a starting point for what is all classified under the Autism Spectrum.

If I can say one thing we have learnt since receiving our sons diagnosis, 3 years ago, it is to accept each other for our uniqueness not try to change it. We may be slow to adjust and embrace some of this but in our own home we have 5 very unique and sometimes clashing personalities that all bring so much to each others lives. How boring would it be if we were all the same. However some of these unique characteristics can come with bigger challenges.

April is Autism Awareness month and I like to take this opportunity to educate and share with others our experience with Autism. I like to think that I share all year long and am as open about our experiences as possible but I also know as Autism has become more of our “norm” I sometimes forget to share and explain what has all gone on or how hard we are working for things that come so naturally to others.

Took this picture today. He had been to OT this morning with two of his best buddies
and is refuelling with a smoothie before his EA arrives and they do some school work.

Currently our son is 6, and this is a pretty important age for kiddos living with Autism in BC in regards to funding. Under 6, families with a diagnosis have access to $22,000 a year for specific and certified professionals and therapies or programs. I would like to add this is not “free” money and it actually takes a lot of work to even access it. I know for my very first year accessing and using funding took me many hours of online learning and even nights of submitting bills, paperwork, sending emails, etc. Like most things with more practice and experience I have gotten more familiar with using our funding but it still involves a lot of paperwork on my end. Obviously the work is worth it but so often in our society we think of government fundings as hand outs and this is not one of those cases, it has involved countless hours, some tears and a lot of hard work on our end.

For us, the last 3 years were spend researching, applying and hiring/seeing an amazing team of people who supported our whole family. These people became like family to us and helped us with developing goals, communicating to school and even working on things within our home. They were our biggest cheerleaders and supports, they came with me to any school interviews, went above and beyond at making Rowen comfortable and building relationships with him.

One big thing with Rowen is that he cannot be forced into doing anything. He needs to be comfortable and feel safe with someone, which takes time, before he will do any “work”. Anytime we would introduce a new person into his life it would take time to build that trust before they could even start working on his goals. This might seem reasonable and to be expected but here is where the budget matters. Most of Rowens team charges from $130-$160/ hour so if you are spending a couple hours a week with each therapist and you need a couple weeks to build that trust its a lot of $$$. Just like in life when things don’t work out or therapists change you start all over again, and cha-ching cha-ching the whole process sure adds up.

Birthdays were so hard, Rowen would always be so excited for them but a big party was overwhelming
and he would often cry when people sang happy birthday to him.
We are learning to change up the parties (pandemic birthdays have been his fav)
but he is also learning to prepare for the singing.

So Row’s birthday rolls around and he turns 6. At 6 it is assumed children are now entering the education system and a lot of the supports and programs they were receiving and using funding for are now expected to be accessed through school. In fairness I think it is also believed that early intervention has such a big impact (and I completely agree, as I think Rowen is a poster boy for the power of early intervention). Basically when they turn 6 and enter school, it is expected that kids might not need as much support because they have been learning skills from their previous therapies that will help them transition. In theory this is all sounds reasonable and good. Except depending on your needs you might not be able to easily access these resources through the public school system. Like most publicly funded programs the waitlists are long, and the services are shared through out the whole district. So Rowen would not be seeing an SLP or OT weekly at school he would be lucky to see this person once a month or less.

Wanna know the magic number we get now? $6000 thats right, it goes from $22,000 to $6000. This is a complex funding plan and there are many factors, like now a lot of his funding is being allocated to whatever school Rowen is registered with. Essentially the school will get “extra” funding as he is a child that comes with extra needs. Again in theory this is fantastic news, Rowen needs help, Rowen carries funding that will help with costs to get said help, Rowen succeeds.

The reality is all kids have needs, our school system is set up to be efficient, budget friendly and educate the majority. So lots of kids can fit into that mold, but would they be more successful with a different school model? I think possibly, but unfortunately we are working on big picture and sometimes that means individual cases get a little lost. Throw in a pandemic and additional strains on the big school system and it is an opportunity for kids like Rowen to slip between the cracks and get lost, or missed. Not because teachers don’t care or because public school sucks. I think it has more to do with the way our systems are set up, that education has so much to consider and there are many needs within a school system, budgets mean making sacrifices and in a school those sacrifices can include limiting supports to kids who might be able to excel if given the right resources.

First week of kindergarten and all smiles. September 2019

In our school district there are 24 elementary schools, 7 secondary schools and nearly 16,000 students. That means the funding all goes into a big pot for the district and although I believe our child’s school receives the funding specific to the students attending it isn’t necessarily spent on Rowen, but instead they must determine the needs around the school. So, if you have a school where maybe a lot of kids are undiagnosed but require help his funding would be going towards getting access to support multiple kids, or maybe there is a child with more severe needs who’s funding isn’t enough to support the needs he or she has then Row’s funding could go to help support that child. I absolutely am of the belief that each child should receive what they need to be successful and a teacher who is supported in her classroom is going to be much more effective at teaching but we do not live in this “perfect” world. We are all just doing our best and like at home when we have to make decisions regarding our finances and how we can best make our money stretch and please our household the school districts are also trying to do this on a much larger scale with way more people to please.

For us we considered public school but after doing some research we knew that if we were able to give Rowen a different education that might be able to better support his needs then we should and would. It was actually a big picture decision for all of our kids because although we have one child with an ASD diagnosis we actually have three kids who we want to be given the best opportunities at school. With this in mind and seeing so many teachers frustrated with the limited resources in a classroom, we actually realized this impacted not only the child with special needs but all kids in the class. If a teacher is being pulled away by a challenging student it might mean she doesn’t have the time or resources to help a student who is maybe bored or excelling and looking for a challenge. So, in the end we opted to attend an independent Catholic school. While we do pay tuition our school is also partially publicly funded and is also supplemented by the church. Again this is a funding game, and one that is important because it means the school is operating very differently than a public school board. It also means our tuition was what we considered to be fairly reasonable.

Last year was our first experience with elementary school and it was with Rowen entering Kindergarten. It far surpassed any of our expectations. We were so thrilled with our choice in school, the open communication we had with everyone at the school including the principal, vice principal, learning assistance teacher, classroom teacher and his EA (education assistant). This was a big deciding factor in our school choice. Rowen can be easily distracted, requires many body breaks in his day (sitting still is exceptionally hard for him), he has a really tough time with fine motor skills (his muscles work very hard to write, pen to paper) and he can be very easily overwhelmed or overstimulated in busy or loud environments. When he is feeling overwhelmed he will often breakdown or go hide. This can be very hard to dealt with, often requires someone one on one with him and can be time consuming if it was taking a teacher away from the class. One thing we knew he wouldn’t have at a public school is a dedicated EA, at his independent school he would have one for as long as he needed one.

I love that our goal was to not have an EA for Rowen, but for as long as we felt it was beneficial and necessary he would have one. Rowen has come so far in the three short years since his diagnosis largely because of his own hard work but also because of all his amazing supports.

Pre pandemic times Rowen would sometimes get to bring his sisters or cousins to OT and it was a highlight for all.

A giant chunk of his funding was about to change and that would mean we either contribute the difference ($16,000 a year) to continue his programs or find a school that would have enough supports for him and us. I think we did that as best we could! Not only did his school have amazing teachers, his teachers appear to be supported by the school and all the programs they could afford to fund. The school has an active PAC with yearly fundraisers that generated good funding, as well as a healthy church parish that help with funding when needed. I have been amazed at watching the school work so seamlessly at finding ways to make sure everyone (parents, staff and students) have what they need. It has been really cool to watch and something I hope my kids will learn as a life lesson from attending a place where this is just part of the culture. Hi school even employs a private OT to visit weekly and it was an option to have a half hour session in school (we would never receive this at public school).

So after ending last school year from home (enter pandemic) we were very nervous about how this school year would go. Rowen had adapted so well but lots of things were unknown about the 2020-2021 school year. We knew how important routines were for Rowen and also dependability and all of those things were changing quickly in this new world of ours. In addition to Rowen we had Grace entering Kindergarten and we were worried about a pandemic year at school being her entrance into elementary school. It left me researching homeschool options.

Living with Autism may have been a shock and an adjustment but we wouldn’t change a thing and love this boy!

We ended up deciding to take the year and give our kids as much predictability and safety we could. It also had me back to learning a whole new funding game…. homeschool funding works a little different than traditional brick & mortar schools. So our homeschool actually has contributed roughly $11,000 towards services Rowen was already receiving. Again, not “free” money and certainly had to meet strict requirements. It has meant that our homeschool has helped fund our Speech and Language Pathologist weekly, our OT weekly and we have a private EA who works with Rowen from home 4 hours a week. This has been huge in helping have a successful year of homeschooling.

If it weren’t for a pandemic we would not have considered homeschool. However after experiencing this year it has given me a whole new vision of what school systems provide and don’t provide. I love the way we have been able to tailor the kids learning to reflect their interests, our local community, industries and ecosystems and also so much flexibility. We do not do much work from a desk, however we work from a table, outside, in the garden, on the trampoline, at the beach, on the boat… I mean school is not defined by a building or a space. We have flexibility in school hours, and even days. Why not do some school on a rainy Saturday afternoon, sun looks good on a Wednesday we can head out to a park and “skip” school that day. We aren’t really morning people so school starts a little later for us now and that works great, we eat and play in between and we see how we feel and check in with our bodies! It hasn’t been all kumbaya but we are trying to find joy in a year that has been challenging. We miss out friends and our school but we are registered for September and I am confident that the kids I am sending in September are a little more mature, little more secure and feeling prepared for the world out there waiting for them.

Overall living with Autism has been a big learning curve. The learning has been as a family though, it has taught us how to embrace and build on each child’s interests and talents. Instead of trying to make them fit our image of what we thought they would be like we are learning how to support them to find their own interests and strengths. We are all learning that not everyone is the same and that although some things we think should come naturally and easy don’t always and that’s okay. We are learning to accept when others are different than us, to not judge and to find ways to support others. It is okay to he emotional and we are learning appropriate ways to express our emotions. We are also learning ways to calm down or relax, ways to ask for and give space when we need it and just lots of overall life skills. I am so proud of all of my kids, living with Autism is something our whole house lives with and learns from and for that I will forever be grateful for.



If you ever have questions or want to chat about our journey and what it has looked like for us please feel free to message.

Grateful Heart

.Reading time 6 minutes.

Some years are better than others.

Some years bring weddings, babies, travel, financial gains and promotions, home improvements and more. So much happiness can happen over the course of one year.

Some years bring illness, deaths, financial losses, divorce and other hard or sad life events. It’s surprising how much sadness can happen over a year too.

And then a year brings a pandemic and you aren’t sure what to think!

Most of my 36 years have been filled with some highs and some lows and lots of in between times. I am fortunate enough to say that for the majority of my life and the majority of those years I have had more of the good stuff than the bad stuff. Although the bad is hard, lots of the “hard” stuff has given me perspective to appreciate and search out more of the good and appreciate people or moments more.

I am not naive and know somethings have no “bright side” or positive way to look at it. You have to grieve it, feel it and live with it. There have been deaths and losses that I have never “gotten over” and forever will be missing those people. There have been circumstances that make me so sad and struggle to understand why or how they can happen.

I am however a believer of creating your own happiness and being grateful for the things you do have. I can honestly say by having the “Farlow 5” (my husband and 3 kids), especially during this last year, it has been a big eye opener that if we are all together and healthy and happy then my life is pretty damn good.

This year has been hard for so many people, we had some losses including a loved family members pet and a four year old neighbour. To see our family and friends hurt badly, to loose someone so young and to have something happen so close to home has been heart breaking and again another eye opener. None of us know how long we are here for. We can’t predict or plan the future, if this year has taught us nothing else it has taught us that for sure.

However as this year comes to a close I can’t help but think of all the positives it has brought for us personally but also for family and friends. We have got to spend time with our kids we never expected to have, make memories together, bought our beloved Snoopy Sam II (made a road trip and adventure out of picking it up), cruised through the gulf islands this summer, spent more time at the beach then I thought was possible, embraced outdoors for every season, started a home garden that flourished, homeschooled (lifelong dream that I would have never thought I would get the opportunity or have the courage to do), and I even got my PAL and went on my first duck hunt. We have welcomed new babies this year (yet to meet them but super excited for friends)… mostly on the island so watch out when those ferries open to non-essential travel! We have heard from friends who are pregnant now and expecting in 2021 (some were after trying for so long!), we have had friends celebrate successes at work, purchase new homes (yet to see some of them but looking forward to when we can), celebrate milestone birthdays (crazy we are nearing the big 4-0!!!) and so much more. Our family and friends has shown us compassion and love beyond this year and in the most creative ways. Humanity has also just shown up and shown how creative they can get and how caring people can be.

Sometimes it is hard to celebrate or feel good about a year that has been pretty good when you know it hasn’t been the same for others. However, I think this is the way life goes. Some years are incredible for some and horrible for others, and then the roles flip… so I end this year feeling empathy and sadness for so many others. I also end it with the most grateful heart. I look back on this past year grateful for the life we have and the things we were able to experience despite a pandemic!

As we are about to celebrate a new year and move into 2021 I will look back on 2020 focusing on all the positives it brought my family. I will forever feel empathy with those who haven’t had the same experiences, and will hope that 2021 will bring more happiness than heartbreak. And of course good health.

Whatever your year has looked like, I hope you can find some goodness from over this past year and continue to be grateful. From my family to yours I wish you all a Happy New Year.

Prioritizing Each Other

.Reading time 9 minutes.

Lately my kids have been asking if today is our Tea Party Day (Tuesday). This makes me so happy, we borrowed the idea from another local home schooling family and my kids are absolutely in love with it. As I was looking at our silver and china ready for Tuesday it got me thinking.

It is surprising to me how much my kids look forward to certain rituals and traditions we have. Some, like the tea party, are weekly and some, like Thanksgiving in 100 Mile, are yearly. Regardless of how often they happen I realized tonight they happen consistently, we prioritize them and we work hard to make sure they happen. Some involve logistics and planning like for travel we need to arrange for the dog, take time off work and put aside money to pay for it. Some just require energy and time, like our tea parties, involve me putting aside chores or other activities and spending time with the kids.

It got me thinking about rituals with my spouse, and the time and energy we put into those. Recently a girlfriend asked a group of us about how each of us do this and keep our relationship with our significant other a priority. I think it was nice to see so many different answers and also to hear that everyone struggles with this. We often think we put ourselves last, but I actually think in our house we put our time together last. I do not feel my relationship is less because of it, or that we do not love each other or respect and admire each other. I think Fraser and I have an amazing relationship, I love the way we respect each other and I think part of what is so surprising is that we spend so much time together and still enjoy spending time with each other. However just because our day to day is spent together and we are home at the same time doesn’t mean we spend quality time together. My guess is part of the reason I tend to put our time together last is because I feel so supported and loved that I don’t always think we need our time together compared to other priorities. However, I am aware just because something seems good doesn’t mean you should ignore it, you still water plants that are growing!

2018 on Family Vacation in Maui (traveling with 3 kids, 3 and under and still smiling!)

It got me thinking about things we might have done in the past that have kinda slowly slipped away (like giving cards for no reason, leaving each other notes just because or even just checking in with each other about ourselves not our kids and small kind gestures like picking up a favourite snack when at the store or making each other morning coffee/tea). I think with families and busy lives this is bound to happen but it is always a good reminder that everyone likes to feel listened too and appreciated.

I know for us we are not weekly date night people (or even monthly). We prefer a weekend or night away over a dinner out. We both would rather save up for a bigger/ longer time away then take small little nights out. With kids and life being busy and Frasers work schedule dinners out have been more of a pain than a treat. I find it hard to leave behind the “to do” list on a quick couple hour dinner out and Fraser usually has to work graveyards and should be in bed resting instead of out for dinner (trying to work on rest as a priority has been a struggle for him). Last years weekend in Tofino or this years cancelled kidless Hawaii is what keeps us going. The idea of time together long enough to unwind is something we both appreciate.

Summer 2019, “Honeymooning” in Tofino on the beach without the kids.

Covid has changed the way we can ask for help, or hire out things we need. Another way we used to be able to have quality time together was by hiring such amazing sitters for our kids but we haven’t done that in a really long time. I think it has reminded me to get more creative with our time, and to take advantage of the time we do end up together alone. We always loved trying to go out for brunch, taking the dog for a walk in between school drop offs and pick ups or even just shopping without our kids. Our new homeschool schedule has left us with more time with our kids (which is its own blessing), but means less time alone together. I think the new challenge will be how we spend this time and show our kids that we prioritize each other as much as we do them and ourselves.

This summer after a long day out with the kids on our Covid Purchase (Snoopy Sam). Maybe the secret to quality time is spend it near or on the water!

Relationships take work, and I appreciate that even when times are hard (say like during a pandemic), or when we are frustrated with each other (never happens, because I am near perfect but if I was annoying FF) we still love each other and genuinely want to be together. I can’t imagine doing this life without Fraser.

It is always nice to hear suggestions from couples who have found ways to make time together or have favourite rituals. It has been a good reminder to just make time for each other, when we need to we can somehow make time for lots of other stuff so why not something as important as the person you are closest too.

I wonder if sometimes in life, like when your kids are little, your solo time will be less but that will change faster than you know it. Already my little kids are gaining more independence and less desire to be around us all the time. I am grateful that we still look forward to time together, and the idea of getting to travel or take time without our kids is something we enjoy. I like that we get to spend so much time together as a family so maybe our quality time doesn’t have to be without our kids but is instead with our kids, as long as we are showing them that they are not the only ones who matter but that Fraser and I do too!

Last year around the fire at Thanksgiving in 100 Mile! Right beside the Lake.

Would love to hear how other families or couples have prioritized their spouses and have created rituals or quality time? Please share

For now I am looking forward to Thanksgiving in the Cariboo with our whole family. It may not be time away from the kids but it is time where Fraser isn’t working at night so maybe campfire drinks after we put our kids to bed will be our quality time for now!

covid Life Lessons

.Reading time 17 minutes.

I think after the months of staying at home, we are beginning to see just how much our family has to be thankful for. My kids are aware of the virus and the changes that are going on but for the most part we have been able to just hang out at home and have fun. Fraser has been working during the whole pandemic, our yard is a sanctuary for us and our home is well stocked with all the things we could need (food and entertainment).

As life moves on and we try to find a “new normal” I am not too quick to rush back to some of the old ways. I have told my kids stores do not allow children right now (maybe a stretch but somewhat true) plus we are in a position where we have many options to shop without bringing our kids out. We have also not returned to any of their activities with the exception of Rowens therapies. I do think the kids miss them to some extent, but I also know this is temporary and at some point they will return to organized activities. Our goal was to enjoy the summer and make a choice for organized programs in September. For now I am enjoying the slower relaxed pace that comes with so few commitments. I love the no stress each day brings and the lack of driving and time spent in the car going from activity to activity.

I am learning that we are all missing traveling (specifically time in Hawaii) but we can still explore and enjoy Beautiful BC. I am also learning that we have so many beautiful places available to us right in our own “backyard” so to speak. One place we have been finding happiness is on the water. My kids love to be outside, exploring the beaches, finding treasures, swimming, kayaking, paddle boarding and of course being out on our new to us boat. This privilege is not lost on me and we are so grateful for all the water experiences we have available to us. Something we have become extremely aware of is how fortunate we are to have so much family that has helped us to be able to give our kids these amazing and safe experiences. It is not lost on me that our flexible work schedules and access to some pretty amazing spots is not the “norm”.

Playing at the Beach House. When we were feeling cabin fever at home we would head to the Beach House and breathe!

We have been taking nice breaks when we know we could all use them, whether that is a sunset swim, late afternoon boat ride or mid week road trip. I used to want my kids to have the very best and everything they want but over the last little bit I realize I want them to experience seeing us work for stuff that is important to us and that we love, but also be willing to give up work to just be together and have fun. I have always believed time holds pretty big value and the older I get the more I remember the people we spent the most time with, and all those memories we were creating without even knowing it. If we can teach them a balance between working for stuff and taking time for fun then I think we will have done our job as parents. Growing up I was surrounded by family, aunts, uncles and cousins were always around and one really cool thing was the time we got to spend together. Some of our aunts were full time moms, lots of our uncles were self employed or had seasonal work so aside from my own Mom lots of our family had flexible schedules. Over the pandemic it has opened our eyes how much we love Frasers schedule and the ability to be at home with each other and have that time.

My sister recently reminded me about our weekday morning breakfasts with my aunt and uncle, my aunt would always start her morning with a pop while my uncle would be smoking away. Do I think starting your morning with pop or cigarettes is the best? Probably not, but I would give anything to get to have one more morning with them for breakfast. Unfortunately life doesn’t work like that. Time is precious and goes way too fast. Although I cannot slow it down, I can learn to appreciate how fortunate this time with our kids is and our unique ability to have so much available time to spend with them is. I think they taught me how the value of time and to choose wisely how you spend it.

This is my Aunt and Uncle. Wish I had a picture of them in the morning at the breakfast table, it’s such a clear memory I actually don’t even need the picture.

Having our kids at home instead of at school or programs with teachers and coaches has been extremely challenging. My dreams of being able to homeschool my kids have had a hard dose of reality hit them. I realize that for Rowen the “homeschool” we had set up is not his ideal learning environment and that he really missed the interaction of his peers and his teachers. We have expanded our bubble and the kids have friends they now see and play with but it got me thinking to how we could be more inspiring to our kids? They are home with us for a bit and it might not change for the foreseeable future. I’m trying to change my mindset and trying to look at this time as a gift.

At first I was cranky and frustrated with the staying home, long hours with the same five people and lack of support and help we normally have. However when I started to see how fortunate we were and began to prioritize what mattered most to our family I began to see that we could still “teach” our kids and inspire without following the online lesson plans. I hope that Fraser and I inspire our kids to follow their passions and find things that excite them. When you are passionate about something it is usually contagious to others. My Aunt and Uncle had huge impacts on our lives and it wasn’t to start the day with pop or to smoke a pack or two a day. I want my kids to laugh at the strange habits we might have had but also to remember the time we spend as a family as valuable.

The one thing I admire about parenting with Fraser is that we both encourage and inspire each other to sometimes live outside of the box. We don’t always make the smart or popular decision but this has been something that has paid off for us more times then not. It has meant sometimes we have cut people out of lives that are toxic, it has meant working long hours so we can take extended time off, choosing to have messy floors, dirty dishes and laundry and get to go out on fun adventure or taking days off when it would make more financial sense to go to work, getting a puppy when we were having a baby, renovating when we were having another baby and buying a boat during a pandemic. For us it has meant we aren’t waiting for “tomorrow” or some unknown future, when we know something we want we try to do it. We live for the now and we are enjoying these moments and days. They go so fast and we all know we don’t get them back.

I saw this and it has really stuck with me, I think it is just a good reminder when sometimes we think “there will be time or we can do it later or change it”. Somethings you can’t get back so don’t take them for granted or miss opportunities.

I admire the way Fraser has always wanted to go back and take pottery classes. He finally decided this year to take the plunge and register for a Tuesday morning class in Vancouver. He was loving it and our kids were always asking about Dad’s pottery and what he was doing. Unfortunately he couldn’t take lessons during covid but in true Fraser style he set up a studio in his shop and made pieces from home, he had the kids out watching him and even making pieces of their own. If our kids can see a bearded tattooed biker like their dad working with his hands making beautiful pieces of pottery (and loving it) I hope they know that they can do or be anything they want. I love that these examples are not only good for each other; Fraser gets time doing something he enjoys, I get beautiful pieces of pottery but the kids also learn if you enjoy something you find a way to do it.

I am a SAHM (stay at home mom). It has been both a blessing and a curse, as well as something I am proud and ashamed of. Knowing that staying at home as a primary caregiver was causing me to resent Frasers time outside of the house as well as make me feel less than for not having an outside job I started to take a couple days a week out at the farm for “me time”. My part time job, is more than just a job for me. It allows me to leave my kids twice a week without (too much) guilt. It has given my kids a pride in seeing what and where I work, but also shows them that I am more than just their Mom. It has also forced me to expand my circle and communicate with other adults. Covid has taught me that I definitely have social anxiety and have enjoyed having an “excuse” not to see other people and to stick within a bubble I am comfortable with. However having the farm forces me out, in a place where I feel comfortable and happy! It is a win win win!

Hard at work in his home studio.
Words to live by. Such truth.
This is my “job” how lucky am I?

I think another way we can inspire and teach our kids is by showing gratitude for what we have, as well as giving to those who might not have as much. Again with Covid it has been an eye opener to some of the security we have that I have previously taken for granted. We have a big loving and supporting family as well as an incredible group of family and friends. We have job security (as much as any job can be secure), home and food. Not once did we worry about running out of food or not being able to buy or access what we needed. I was shocked and sad to find out how many families in our community were struggling with basic needs like food. We previously hadn’t done much in terms of real “charity” aside from dropping off food at food drives during Christmas but during Covid we became involved with an organization called Mama’s for Mama’s and regularly donate fresh yummy food (not extra cans from our cupboards). We also helped the kids to donate to Delta Hospital Foundation their lemonade stand money they had earned last year. I really want them to know that we never know when we might need some of these supports so if we are in a position to ever help or give we should even a small amount.

The kids might not have understood what exactly they have done but they seemed excited and we were very proud of them. Never to young to learn to give back.

Covid has taught our family many lessons, it has been a rollercoaster of emotions and has tested our relationships and patience in ways I didn’t think possible. However it has also opened our eyes to have more empathy and see that we all have more in common, as a whole we share the same fears and concerns and for the most part as a country we care about each other and the greater good. I am proud of my family and the way we have grown over the past 4 months. I am anxious about the Fall but I am also looking forward to trying new things and seeing how we can take this new growth and live differently.

Distance Diaries

.Reading time 14 minutes.

Life sure can surprise you when you are least expecting it. This Pandemic has been an eye opener in many areas of our lives, and so I want to share what we have learnt as a family about our lives.

Before I share this I think I need to preface it by saying it is not lost on me how serious this virus is and the long term effects it will have on families, businesses and the world. That being said I have made a more conscious effort to avoid the news as well as following along with the updates too closely for my own mental health and sanity. In reality our family has been so fortunate to not yet have major impacts because of these changes happening in the world. My husband still goes to work, my family is all safe and healthy and we have not had too many additional stresses or worries because of the pandemic. I think one thing I have learnt about myself is I cannot take on too much outside stress. For me to stay happy and healthy I need to focus on gratitude and what is happening within my world. I also have realized no matter who you are or where you are, the pandemic has impacted you, so while I say we have not been majorly impacted of course our lives have changed and with change comes some stress.

The first lesson that happened fairly quickly into all this social distancing was the realization of how well prepared and stocked our house was. Fraser might look at it as proof that I have a shopping problem but I like to think I was just prepared. It really was “fun” to stay home for the first couple weeks. We had “sleepovers”, movie nights, tons of crafts, game nights and lots of creative ways of keeping busy. I immediately realized that previous to pandemic I would often find the things that I didn’t like about our house before realizing how fortunate we were. We have an amazing backyard, lots of outside space, my husband has a big shop for him to tinker in, we have lots of technology available to us and I have a very stocked craft cupboard. A shift in my attitude is that I am now more appreciative of the house we have. I think what I realized is that our home is our safe place, it is not a punishment to stay home but a privilege.

That quickly lead to my second realization, without the stress of social interactions I was experiencing way less anxiety… perhaps this means I am an introvert. I think I discovered that a lot of my anxiety comes from all the social stuff, and that staying home is where I am most comfortable. It doesn’t mean I think it is healthy to stay at home forever, but I think post pandemic I will make more of an effort to spend more time at home and be okay with that. Too often I said yes to too much because I thought it was the right thing for everyone else but now I know that the kids and family are okay if we stay home!

Photo by Shelby Rose Photography #distancediaries

I also discovered that we love to travel. Quickly into our isolation we decided to cancel our Hawaii trip scheduled for April. This was really upsetting for many reasons (including it was our first trip without kids, cancelling it meant it was the first time in 4 years we would not get to Hawaii our happy place and we were missing a friends wedding). Part of me was so grateful that we had made the decision before everything got crazy. I was envisioning being stuck in a different country away from our kids or worse getting sick and racking up a giant medical bill. So, although we are sad about the missing the trip I am grateful we have been able to travel before pandemic and that we will hopefully be able to travel after again. I realize now, 6 weeks into isolating, that I do love my home and staying in. However I also love getting to travel and plan trips with our family. We are still trying to be hopeful we will get to do our annual end of summer camping trip with some friends, Tofino in September and surprise the kids at Christmas with the New Year in Maui… but my gut is saying these are more like dreams! So with this news it has us all a little bummed. The kids have talked a lot about Hawaii and Disneyland (two of their favourite places) and it has got me realizing how fortunate we are to have taken them on so many amazing vacations, near and far. I also realize that these vacations are things they cherish so once it is safe we will continue to prioritize our family vacations. There are times I have felt so guilty for this being something I am sad about when I know there are others that have maybe never been on a family vacation or save many years to be able to do one big vacation. I also find myself thinking how privileged I am to be worried about when my next vacation will be when there are families dealing with way bigger issues like worrying about housing, food, money, childcare or their businesses and jobs. With this in mind I am trying to see this as an opportunity for gratitude. I think I always appreciated our vacations but I defiantly took them for granted, the next time we get to go away I will make sure to appreciate it!

A really cool realization has been the lack of screen time we have seen since isolation has started. I keep hearing and seeing that people are resorting to screens to entertain their kids but we have found kinda the opposite in our house. We are screen people and I am a little embarrassed to say we have an iPad for each child and we are fairly relaxed about “rules”. However since the pandemic and really the start of “back to school at home” we haven’t needed to let the kids use the iPads or screens. We do school in the morning and it is using screens for zoom calls, class meets and to watch videos that correspond with their lessons. After that the day is spent with play. With all the sunshine we have had the kids have been busy outside gardening, playing in the sandbox, jumping on the tramp, getting creative with sidewalk chalk, riding their scooters, water fights and the list goes on. I have learnt that our kids can play independently, are good at pretend play and have lots of toys considering my desire to purge regularly! Overall we have some very happy kids and I am proud of the way they are handling these “new norms”. Even my own screen usage is down. I will comment we have days where we resort to giving screens or turning on the tv but I just feel like we all have days we need to just veg out.

One huge realization I have is the support system and people we have in our life. I had always known we were fortunate to have family close by and that our friends are the best of the best. I had a good feeling about the team we have built to support us with Rowen and of course we have loved the school we chose to send the kids too. Pandemic has pushed every one of these people and supports to new levels, and I can honestly say they have all gone above and beyond. The amount of creative ways these people have adapted and continued to support us and our kids is unbelievable. Our family has continuously surprised us with Birthday parades, Easter goody crafts and activities, worksheets and new desk deliveries, homemade goodies, cards and of course FaceTimes or porch distancing visits. Our teachers and support staff have dropped off indoor shoes, muddy buddies, schoolwork packages and more. They are continuing to teach and support with regular correspondence and tons of communication. They have offered loaning out equipment if we do not have enough or the right stuff and really come up with some creative ways to continue therapy from home. I’m not sure we will ever be able to thank all these people are the way they have impacted the experience our whole family is having through this pandemic. It has meant that in a time that is scary and unsure we have some light and laughter. We have some consistency with our kids and we are all adapting. It has made our jobs as parents easier but it has also shown our kids that these people aren’t leaving us, they are here despite being unable to physically be here.

Photo by Shelby Rose Photography #distancediaries

I think when I really sit down and look at these last 6 weeks and how surreal it has all been I feel nothing but gratitude. As of today we are all still happy and healthy. That is all I could wish for in times like that. I know that our family will look forward to a post pandemic life but it will not be the one we had before. Our life is forever changed and I think that is okay. My sister just taught me about “we people and me people” and I am proud to see the way our friends and family are showing up as “we people”. It has got me thinking about how we teach our kids to help others and what we are doing to help others. I am finding some small and some bigger ways we can help out our community… and it has left me feeling a little bit better in a time when we can so easily be brought down. I think if we can do anything during these strange and sad times it is find ways to spread joy and judge less!

A Decade of Lessons.

.Reading time 7 minutes.

Time is a crazy thing, I am often unaware of it passing and then its gone. 2020 is fast approaching and with that comes all the excitement and promises of a fresh new year and decade as well as the reviews and playbacks of the past year and decade.

I have been thinking lots about how fast (and slow) 10 years goes. The first thing that came to mind for me was the loss the last 10 years has brought with it. I personally have lost two very important and influential people in my life this decade. My aunt was near the beginning of the decade and my uncle near the end. I have also watched friends lose parents and even had some of my peers pass away over the last 10 years. It has been hard, continues to come in waves and never truly goes away or gets easier. Every time I have a success, milestone, holiday or challenge I miss and wish I could talk to my Uncle and Aunt. However it has also taught me that life can and does go on, we can still have successes and happiness despite feeling immense sadness and things are always changing, so appreciate the now and those in your life today as one day they won’t be there.

The last 10 years has also taught me to really enjoy the moments because they go so fast. I had 3 little babies so close together and now my youngest is 2, some days this is astonishing to me as I can clearly remember moments of my first pregnancy as if it were yesterday. Then there are those times when I am chatting with a few moms and they are all talking about feeding their babies, nap schedules or some baby related milestone and I cannot remember them. I think to myself, it couldn’t have been that long ago… it actually flew by! I remember how as a new Mom I used to feel like days would go past without me really “accomplishing” anything and I would look forward to my kids getting older and more independent. However now I realize these moments go by and you will never get them back, they will never be that small again and it goes so so so fast. So even in the trying and hard moments I remember nothing lasts and try to find the joy in some of those moments.

Another lesson the last ten years has taught me is that if you are unhappy or living a life you do not want you have the power to change it. Life has so many choices, we just have to be brave enough to make them. It is okay to change your mind, it is good to grow and not all choices are easy but after it is all said and done they hopefully lead to a happier version of your life. 10 years ago my goals were different, my job was different, finances, family dynamics, etc. I am so proud of the choices I have made over the last 10 years and although they were not all happy or easy they have lead me to a life I love and continue to be grateful for everyday. The best goal I can have for the next 10 years is that all these things will change again… my job continues to evolve and I am able to add to it, our finances will continue to improve, goals will evolve and change and more!

You cannot undo the past, you cannot plan for the future… you can live in the present! That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t learn from your past or try to work towards goals in the future it just means don’t over think it cause because circumstances and people change and I have had amazing things come from being open to changing my “plans”. Ask anyone who knew me 10 years ago about wanting kids and you will most defiantly hear that I didn’t want them, even in my late 20’s. Talk to me today and my 3 amazing and beautiful kids (who I most defiantly wanted) were the best decision I made, continue to teach me and give my life so much more joy! Be flexible and adaptable, knowing that things can change has given me hope when I needed it and has also forced me to dream a little bigger!

Dream Big. It’s as easy and hard as that! For our family this has come into play in so many aspects of our life. We have dreamt big in terms of our house and the changes we wanted to make and have slowly been making. However it has also given us a new appreciation for knowing our priority isn’t our house, sure we like having something clean and maintained but we don’t have to have all the things we want to be happy. Dreaming Big has also helped us to go from no vacations to falling in love with experiences and working hard to make travel a part of our lives. I can remember taking our first “big” family vacation to Hawaii for 10 days, in the middle of a renovation, with two kids under two and pregnant with our third and sitting on the beach saying imagine if we could stay for a month!!! For the following two years we took our three kids for 5 weeks each year. It was amazing. I love the experiences the last 10 years have brought and cannot wait to see what the next 10 will bring for us.

With all of this in mind I welcome a new decade and will work at enjoying the now.

Riding B#@$%

.Reading time 7 minutes.

The motorcycle has always been fun for me, but that was before we were responsible for 3 little kids. Everything changes with kids, and one big change is the way I view the world. I used to love riding, I was proud of getting my bike license and looked forward to getting on the bike.

Now the idea of leaving our kids both on the back of the same motorcycle can be terrifying. If you have ever been on a bike you know the feeling of being exposed. No one gets on and rides and doesn’t know the risks, accidents can and do happen.

Plus before kids I owned and rode my own bike, when I took on the new title of Mom I decided to sell the bike knowing it might be a while before we would get out enough to make it worthwhile. This has meant when we do get out for a ride I’m on the back. Now for those of you that know me it might not come as a surprise that I like to be in control. Riding on the back means I give up my control and trust in my driver.

Sunday was a planned ride with a group of our friends and family. A friend had told us about the Bikers for Autism group and their Shuck It Forward Event and we had got together a group for a fun day out for a great cause. Obviously this event was near and dear to our hearts as we have a son with Autism. Without fundraisers like this, public education initiatives and amazing supports and therapy I am not sure where we would be as a family or how well Rowen would have grown over this last year and a half.

Here is the really cool thing, because we have such amazing supports in place and Rowen has worked so hard we are able to take date days out and not worry about how our kids (particularly Row) will do. Plus our day doesn’t revolve around discussing the future of our kids or our concerns about them. We can truly go out and enjoy ourselves knowing our kids are safe and happy and when we get home they will all be there.

Despite all this it doesn’t mean I just hop on the bike and let my hair down without a care in the world. As we were making our way through the tunnel and I was focusing on my music and breathing I realized that I needed to relax or my nervous energy would impact Fraser, who was riding with a passenger, driving downtown to a place we had never been and leading a group of others bikers. So I decided to trust in my partner, breath and listen to the music, slow my mind down and just enjoy the moment.

Sometimes we can get so caught up in our feelings or emotions we can miss what is right in front of us. In front of me was a beautiful blue sky, snow capped mountains, alone time with my hubby and good friends plus yummy food and great drinks at a beautiful patio downtown. It is so easy to get caught up or be rushing to whatever is next to miss the right now. As I near my 35th year around the sun I am trying to find ways to slow moments down and enjoy this time right now. I am trying not to stress when we are late or things didn’t go as planned.

It’s funny how hard and easy this idea can be. It got me thinking about parenthood and even marriage and learning to trust in each other. Much like riding on the back of the motorcycle and trusting Fraser to drive while he trusted me to co-pilot and google map our route, we are learning to trust each other in parenthood. It is a constant struggle with wanting control over every decision and knowing how important it is for my sanity and for the greater good of our whole family to share these decisions, responsibilities and control of parenthood with my husband.

Before I turned 30 learning to ride a motorcycles was on my “30 before 30” List and was a challenge I set for myself. I realize I still love it but the challenge is different now that we are parents… and as I near 35, getting closer to 40 I start to think about things I want to accomplish before my next decade approaches. I realize parenting is a big challenge, and just when you think you might have got a handle on something a new thing pops up… my kids are a constant challenge. So my biggest goal is to continue to work together with Fraser, trust in each other and share our responsibilities and know that not every day will be easy or perfect but if we slow down and take time to enjoy it we might surprise ourselves. To continue to check in with our feelings to help keep each other calm but also to help teach our kids how to manage our emotions.

I think my biggest lesson is every day is different and we might feel like we got it one day and the next day might be a huge struggle, that is human nature and no one is perfect. Plus we have a fresh start anytime we want it, so don’t let one action define your whole path! It’s okay to ride B#$@& sometimes, I don’t always have to be the driver. I’m gonna try to take time and enjoy the scenery!

Realistic Expectations

.Reading time 13 minutes.

I was raised Catholic. It is funny to say now as most people don’t consider me very “Catholic” and I wonder what that means. However the religion isn’t the point in this story it is the fact that every Sunday my Mom would take three girls to mass usually alone and every Tuesday we would go to Catechism (Bible Study). It was expected that we would dress up for Church, sit nicely through Mass and of course listen and behave.

There were so many expectations and as far as I can remember and even as far as my mom is concerned the three of us were fairly good at meeting expectations, especially when we were younger.

Fast forward to today. Easter Sunday and I decided to attempt Church with Grace, Rowen finds out and says he wants to come too. I am immediately nervous as I know for him an hour long Mass that is most likely very busy and potentially loud isn’t his optimum environment. I am also nervous thinking about everyone around me and their expectations of me and my kids.

Then I remember it doesn’t matter what other people expect as long as I know what to expect and what I am willing to tolerate. I didn’t expect to be able to stay for the whole mass, I didn’t expect my kids to be silent or even to sit still but to be respectful. We opted to go into the “crying room” which meant the kids could walk around a bit and make noise without disrupting the whole church. I also didn’t expect Rowen to dress up, I think he looked nice (no sweat pants) but he didn’t have a dress shirt. I wanted him to be comfortable, as well as Grace of course but she loves dressing up.

I was nervous to take my kids to Mass and had been avoiding it for a while, or chickening out whenever it actually came around to it. The kids are attending the school at our Church and will be participating in religion as well as all the regular school curriculum. I think it is important for me that they know about the Church we belong to and that they are able to sit through Mass, go to special occasion Masses (or more if they choose). I know that by adjusting my expectations I am not disappointed in today, but I actually am happy with todays achievement. Making it to Mass and sitting through part of it, plus leaving without any major incident is an achievement to me.

We made it half an hour so halfway through the service, the kids were fairly quiet and played nicely with the other kids in the room. Rowen knew and interacted so nicely with a couple of his classmates from school and Grace genuinely seemed interested and happy to be at church.

What I have been learning is I am more disappointed when my expectations are unreasonable then when I do not have expectations and wait to see how things go.

Friday night we took the kids to the pool, which is not always my favourite thing as we are two adults responsible for three very brave and confident toddler swimmers. If you have ever taken one child to the pool you will understand they go in and they are off, so when you have three kids all swimming in different directions it is hard to be close enough to catch them when they start to drown (because usually mine do). Fraser thinks I exaggerate but it feels like that is what is happening. However Friday night I suggested swimming knowing how badly my kids have been asking to go back to Hawaii and the pool… since I couldn’t do that I figured lets hit up the leisure center. I had no expectations but gotta say the night was perfect. The kids had almost the whole pool to themselves. The lifeguards were great and we were able to “save” our kids and stay close enough to them. Best part was everyone came home exhausted and went to bed easy.

Saturday we attempted to scooter and bike ride to a park and meet up with my sister and nieces. My kids don’t have the best road safety or fear of traffic so it is always scary when taking them anywhere on the road. Plus they also aren’t made to walk or ride places that often so I wasn’t sure about the distance. Without any expectations for how the day would go it went fantastic.

I think sometimes we place all these expectations on our life and our kids that are completely unreasonable and then we are so focused on making sure they happen the way we expect we don’t allow things to naturally unfold. Saturday was a perfect example because we kinda let the kids take the lead on what they wanted to do and for how long and it turned out better than I could have imagined. The other thing is instead of focusing on the unmet expectations I am able to focus on enjoying the moment and having fun.

I ran into a friend of ours with a son Eleanor’s age on Saturday while we were at the park and he mentioned they had just been at a organized sports class for his 3 year old. His first comment was that the instructors had these expectations for the kids that were totally not happening at all and that they just kept teaching. It took me back to our first dance class we had where the teacher, although nice, was very young and no kids of her own. Her expectations of the kids who at the time were only two was so far from their capability. It was interesting to me to see someone’s expectations be so different too, mine were literally to have something to get us out of the house and to have fun, dance literally meant dance around to me. It was Graces first experience dancing in a lessons as well as my first class with my two year old. Halfway through the class I stopped taking Grace because I was so disappointed in the class and I felt like we were not meeting the teachers expectations every class and it was just frustrating. The crazy thing is, had she looked around and even asked what everyone wanted out of the class I bet she could have easily adapted and had a class full of happy two year olds. Expectations can really alter our experiences and how much joy or lack of joy we get out of them.

I think it is unreasonable to say you can live your life without expectations, but I think whenever you can keep them in check! Or adjust them when you realize something isn’t what you thought it would be. You are not disappointing anyone other than maybe yourself. It is also good to remember expectations can change especially when life changes… your disposable income or financial status could change, the age and ability of your kids changes, your work schedule and free time changes through out your life as well as so many other things.

One area I have always had expectation with our kids in is extra curricular. I love all the fun activities, gymnastics, dance, lacrosse, art class. You name it, I wanted our kids to do it all. Especially while they are young, let them try everything. Now we have a son in a three day a week Autism program in Richmond and two of our kids in two days a week of preschool. It is a lot of driving and we are somewhere Monday to Friday sometimes more than one commitment a day. It doesn’t sound like much but for 2,3 and 4 year olds that is a lot (even to a 34 year old it feels like a lot). I can honestly say I have had to majorly adjust my expectations. It is something I have to do regularly, because I get caught up in what all the other families and kids are all signed up for and then my darling husband reminds me we are not all the other families. We are us, we like sleeping in and being lazy on Sundays, we like spur of the moment road trips or day trips, we don’t want to force our kids to play things they aren’t interested in and we have to look at what is best for our family of five not just one person out of the whole family. I also know that at 2, 3 and 4 years old they are not “falling behind” by missing a couple of years in a team sport. My expectations isn’t to raise Olympic or professional athletes, it is actually to encourage balance between all the demands of life, to allow choice and show that everyone has different interests and strengths and really to allow our kids to lead us into the areas they are interested in. I hope they will all play some team sport at any level, it does not have to be extreme or competitive I just think it is a good opportunity to build social skills and learn life lessons like winning and loosing.

Basically the reoccurring theme in my weekend has been one of adjusting and constantly reviewing your expectations. Not just expectations you have for yourself, which are super important, but your expectations of others. I know when I have these big expectations of others it can be crushing to me when they are not met but sometimes I haven’t even told the other person and the expectation is so unreasonable it couldn’t have even happened, so it was more like a dream than an expectation.

I challenge you to care less what other people think, and try to live in the moment and enjoy things as they come instead of getting too worked up in expectations (when you can), and to judge less because we never know another persons story and situation.

Cheers,
Carly

Living a life we love, managing stress and coping with anxiety

.Reading time 12 minutes.

So, my first 30 years were the years I didn’t know how to manage my stress. I often felt overwhelmed, suffered from chronic headaches as well as feelings of depression and anxiety. Everything from relationships to money to work to any sort of responsibility would be stressful for me.

Today, I rarely get a headache and now instead of having them caused by emotional stress they are usually brought on by forgetting to eat, too much sun and not enough water or on occasion cheap wine or one too many drinks!

I have recently been really wondering what was so stressful before that isn’t so stressful now? Like seriously I am now responsible for three tiny humans, I should be more stressed. I am realizing though, with life experience you gain confidence, hopefully some coping mechanisms for anxiety and stress and of course the ability to recognize and ask for help.

I think there are a few things for me that lead to stress and the feeling of being out of control.

  • Overwhelm. Always saying yes to everything. With the best intentions but I struggled to set realistic goals.
  • Avoidance. Ignoring issues past or present. Not communicating and afraid to make changes. Avoiding confrontation or difficult conversations.
  • Caring too much about appearances and what others think, instead of prioritizing myself. Doing things to make others happy instead of being true to myself.

I think often people see my blog or even a picture I post or an instagram story and are happy to believe that my life is pretty good and I have it really easy. I agree my life is really good, but a really good life still takes hard work and compromise and everything comes with a price tag. As for having it easy, I think grass is always greener on the other side. We have chosen to try and see the bright side and the best in our situation. It doesn’t always work, but for the most part I think we have created a life we are happy with and really are living our best life.

I have been told “you make it look all sunshine and butterflies”. It has really got me thinking, and it has reminded me that I shouldn’t care what other people think. This is so much easier said then done. It is far from sunshine and butterflies we have lots of challenging moments. However it also has got me thinking about what has changed in my life that I feel less stress than I ever did. The truth is I don’t believe anyone lives a stress free life however I do believe that it is all in how we deal with our stress and choose to live our lives that impact our quality of life.

For me personally a lot of my typical stresses are gone but a lot are gone because of choices and actions I took.

Schedule. First I make a big effort at using our calendar and scheduling in everyone’s stuff (Fraser’s ball, Rowens ABA, kids activities, parties, family social stuff, work, etc). Then when things come up we can check the calendar and try to avoid over scheduling. This sometimes means saying no or prioritizing. It has taken us a while to get to this point but I found we were so busy some days or weeks running from thing to thing that no one was having any fun and I was super stressed. We like to be flexible and plan as we go but having a bit of a schedule to work from has really helped to alleviate stress. This has also helped us to see improvements in the kids behaviour. When they are over scheduled we see more behaviours that we don’t love, which is a good sign to slow things down or take a day off. I also have realized that although I use a calendar and plan ahead, on a busy week it is best to take one day at a time. That has been a huge stress reliever.

Rituals. These are hard to think of but they are things we do to keep peace and order. They feel good to everyone because we know what to expect and they are calming. I have worked really hard at trying to not only have rituals with the kids but for myself. Prior to kids Fraser and I loved being sporadic but now with three kids we see the benefits to having some routine and rituals in our life. For me these rituals include things like journaling, moon circles, using oils, meditation, taking time to work on the farm once a week and girls nights. For the kids some things are our bedtime rituals (bath, reading, talking about our day and what is happening tomorrow, etc), baking with the kids and even our dance parties (which weren’t always popular with Rowen but we found a way to include him). I think these help to feel safe, in control and just regroup without surprises or unknown.

***Side Bar on rituals is that I have just established a plan with the help of my naturopath of a few things to do to try and get back on track and one of her suggestions was setting an hour, 10pm-11pm, where I do the same things every night to prepare for bed. Similar to how we do for our kids bedtime. I love this reminder of how important these rituals are!

Setting Boundaries. This has been something that has been difficult and caused some upset amongst some family but we are learning to set our boundaries. What I am learning about boundaries is that even workplaces and friendships can benefit from boundaries. I love knowing what other people expect and want and when things are clear it eliminates a lot of stress. Setting boundaries often can avoid feeling like you are being taken advantage of or even getting into awkward or difficult situations. Some examples for us of boundaries that were difficult to set but helped eliminate stress were things like limiting our visitors every time we had a new baby, declining some Christmas family activities because it was overwhelming (limiting how much we do right around the holiday), trying to leave Sunday as a family day, and really being clear about how we like the kids being treated and raised.

Practice Self Care. I am really proud of how well Fraser respects this and is really good at acknowledging when I need some me time. He will often notice if I am nearing a breaking point and suggest I go out for some solo time. He also is good at taking time to go work on a project solo or go to ball, just be on his own. I wouldn’t have ever believed this would take persuasion as I have always been great at self care. However once you have kids things change it is almost like I feel guilty sometimes taking time for me. I do think the more you practice self care the easier it gets because you realize you come back refreshed and ready to take more on!

Self care for me is often taking time away from the family and doing some of my rituals. Self care is even something as simple as working outside of the house, its funny to say that but having three young kiddos has meant we made the choice to have me at home. It was a team decision and a lot of it was it just made financial sense but it was also logistically for the lifestyle we wanted (kids activities, Fraser and I being able to see each other, parent participation in things, etc) that it made sense for us. As nice as it is that I am able to stay at home we both know it would be nice if I could work a little, unfortunately working a little means hiring some more help, having Fraser help out a bit and just more scheduling… I realize that self care is a priority and we make it work but it is a bit of work to take the time for me.

I think that you do not have to eat the same meals every Monday night, do the same thing every Tuesday morning, etc to create routines in your life. I know my resistance to creating these healthy habits was loosing spontaneity but that isn’t true at all. These are just ways to help manage stress and anxiety. Everyone is different and sometimes it takes a bit to figure out what will work for you but I encourage you to try. Often we know what we need to do but we just need a push to get there so whatever that push looks like for you… maybe it’s having an accountability partner, hiring a coach, seeing your naturopath or maybe its as simple as a checklist. Whatever it looks like take the time to do it! Living with less stress and anxiety usually means you get to live with a whole lot more of other stuff!

Fill your Bucket First

.Reading time 11 minutes.

Do you believe in syncronicity? I do. I love how many reoccurring themes I can find when I look for them in my life. The last little bit has been busy, but really nothing different from our normal routine of chaos. I attended two different workshops through the farm, my kids have been on Spring Break, weather is finally starting to warm up, we had a triple baptism for our three kiddos, my youngest daughters birthday party and a family friends funeral just to name a few things. During all these things I noticed a common message, and I think it is important so I thought I would share.

I feel like it is hard to sum up this overall message into one idea but rather a broader goal of living in todays modern world and dealing with all the pressures and obligations. It is about living with anxiety and stress and how you can cope with it. Although the times are different from “when I grew up”. The principles from when we were being raised and from our parents childhood on “how to be happy” have never really changed. If we go back to some of the basics and make time in our busy schedules we might be surprised the impact it would have on our lives. The messages I keep hearing in all the areas of my life are similar and it is go back to the basics, make time and spend energy on the real important stuff and the rest will follow.

My favourite take away was from one of the speakers at a Summit I attended for young farmers. The speaker was a doctor and was speaking on mental health. His message was simple, it was that we all want balance in our lives and stress that our demands outweigh our resources. We don’t have the time and energy to meet all our demands but instead of removing every demand, which isn’t realistic always, we should add things that give us energy. We are so quick to take away the stuff that gives us our energy, it is easy to say we do not have time to eat well, exercise or even sleep but how much more productive are we when we get a good nights sleep.

He even went so far as to compare stats of what our parents and grandparents lives were like. Every decade the human populations looses an hour of sleep so back in the day my Great Grandparents slept an average of 10 hours a night, we are currently at about 6.5 hours per night. Did you know that in Canada approx 25% of meals are eaten in our vehicles and the average length of dinner is 15 minutes compared to our Grandparents who’s meals lasted about 1 hour and 15 minutes. These stats were surprising to me, but not unbelievable.

I feel like it is sad to think that although many things have hugely improved with evolution some things have gone the opposite direction. With all the advancements you would think we should have more free time! It seems like people have less and less time to just enjoy their lives, families, food and all the fun stuff. So here was his list of 10 S’ to help make you happier. The idea of these things is that they have all been shown to increase serotonin and we all know that low serotonin is linked to depression and serotonin levels help to regulate mood. These aren’t opinions but backed by science, I did feel like it was kinda of a cool list.

  • SUCCESS| Think back to a time you were successful or felt successful. Just remembering a successful time makes your serotonin levels increase.
  • SUN| It’s here, so get outside and don’t waste it.
  • SLEEP| Deep sleep, the hours before midnight. Set yourself an alarm and go to bed.
  • SMILING| For real you get a surge of serotonin just by smiling.
  • SPORTS| Doesn’t matter what you do or how good at it you are, just get your heart rate going.
  • SOCIAL| See your friends, hang out in a group. Socialize.
  • STEAK| Eat a high fat diet to feed your brain. The brain is made of 80% fat and 10% protein, feed your brain.
  • SAND| Contact with the earth, feet in sand or soil is grounding and good for you.
  • SEX| You don’t even want to know the stats on this one, it’s sad!
  • SPIRITUALITY| Again doesn’t matter what spirituality just that you have it and you practice it. Practice prayers and gratitude. Gives you meaning and purpose.

Seems simple but I know it isn’t. Do I think if you practice all of this you would never feel sad? No, absolutely not. I do think this idea of taking time to do the things that bring you happiness and fill your bucket is super important. I also think it is what gives you the energy to then be able to face the rest of your life.

I always say to my husband we need to put our own oxygen masks on first before we can help anyone else, when the presenter showed that slide and used that same example I couldn’t believe it. I actually took a pic and sent to my husband right away.

As a mom you learn selflessness and putting others needs before your own like you have never known. However it is easy to use this as an excuse to why you aren’t taking care of yourself. You are not a bad mom, partner, daughter, sister or friend if you put yourself first. Most times it makes you a better mom, partner, daughter, sister and friend. I know anytime I am truly taking care of myself I end up with more energy to do the other stuff I want to do.

Weird to think after two weeks of busy Spring Break and lots of fun with my husband and three kids I am starting off back to school with a bit more enthusiasm and energy. Usually after two busy weeks I am burnt out and exhausted. I think I am trying to keep these reminders and lessons fresh in my mind and practice them daily.

The funeral we recently attended was for a longtime family friend who I have known since childhood. Although the circumstances and situation was heart breaking and I truly believe it is hard to find any good to a loss of life when someone is so young the one thing I loved hearing about was how no matter what he took the time to make others feel heard and important. He went out of his way to do little things for people. I think it was a reminder when your time comes the most remarkable thing you can do is have left this Earth a little better.

I guess we have been spending a little more time than usual at Church as we also recently had all three kids Baptized (that’s a whole other blog post…). Before we could do the Baptism Fraser and I had to attend a nighttime class of sorts to go over the purpose of Baptism and a little 101 on the Catholic faith. It was a good refresher for me and maybe a bit of an eye opener for Fraser but it also was nice to have a little reminder of what Faith can do for people. The priests chat with us was really a reminder that raising kids with a community who has Faith can give you greater meaning to things and can help guide you to live a good ethical life without placing so much importance on material things but instead on the greater good. It just all tied in for me with having just heard that spirituality is important, having experienced a death recently and also a birth in our family and really just wanting to raise good kids. I don’t just mean well behaved but kids who care, and who show others empathy and respect.

So, in summary I am going froward with a grateful heart for all the amazing things and people we have in our lives but also with the reminder of how important it is to take care of myself and make sure to fill my bucket. When I do those things that make me feel whole and good and fulfilled then I can share with others and sharing with others can be as simple as engaging in a meaningful conversation and showing someone you heard them, they matter and you care.